how to make a life

medicate me. bring me back to myself. is this a sense of relief that I feel now that I've had my final say with shiny? is this a sense of relief from my newly found ability to start and finish projects? "you're so ambitious!" my friend Ome said to me. "just tonight!" I replied, but I felt so happy. when was the last time anyone called me ambitious and I could agree?
though this summer has mostly been shit, I have to say one good thing has happened: I've been able to create more prolifically than I have in the past ten years. I miss the life I was living before my mom got sick, but I hope I'll be able to build something new on top of the rubble.

I have been trying to be a better friend. I don't know if it is working. I have discovered who I can count on, and who cares about me no matter what. the age range of my friends spans twenty years. one of my closest friends is 19. When I was 19, I was in cosmetology school, living with my dad, and making huge self-portraits in charcoal. that's the last time I consistently made art for myself.
I feel a little sliver of hope creeping in, and I am terrified I'll lose it. multiple people have expressed interest in being my roommate. they all sound awesome. my room is still clean. I trashed it for a day and a half so I could build onto my loft, but when I was done I cleaned it all up and it still looks good. AND I have a couch now! that I made by myself!
I have a tentative class schedule that isn't where I wanted to be initially, but I think it will make me happy enough. I have friends, some of which bring me food and stay to chat about not much of anything. I like their calmness. I like their hugs.
my cat has been cuddling with me a lot lately. I love her company.
the paper mache masks are a boundless source of inspiration. I hope I keep making them. I have dreams of selling them, though right now I just want to give them away.
almost every day, even though I haven't been able to answer most of the time, the person from connecticut has been calling me. he needs a name. let's call him Chick. that should be confusing enough. I think I have a crush on him, which is very exciting, because until today I hadn't been able to feel anything for anyone but shiny.

I hope this lasts.
I like feeling hopeful. I want to be happy again. I want things to make sense, to be stable, to not go away. I've had every aspect of my life ripped out from under me this summer. I need to build it back up again.

my friend JN said, "you think you have someone to depend on but they're gone. you think you don't have to go through it all alone, but you do. you always do." and she's right. we're always alone. every grief we go through, we go through alone. in the end, we only have ourselves.
but friends help so very much. and love can help so very much.

all I want, all I have ever wanted, is stability.