he doesn't get it.

sat on the table, cross-legged, and cried. made my way to my bedroom, still sobbing, and fell onto my futon. gripped my body pillow. rasping gasps in between tears.
I miss you I miss you I miss you. I feel so hollow inside. there's a big dry hole in my chest and I don't know how to fill it. I guess I'm doing what I've done before. get fucked up. get fucked.
but it's not like it was before. I have the watered-down version of sexed-up me now. because I don't want to do that again. I want to love myself and not need attention from other people. I want to feel complete on my own.

my sister called me today and asked if I'd heard from shiny. I started crying.
go out to the roof. fuck yourself up. go out on the roof. cry.

Yeah, I want to be me on my own. I want to be my own good influence. doesn't really work that way.
I want someone to push me.
I want to hear from him.