just the way it happens, I guess

so twisted. he didn't call me tonight. it isn't surprising, considering what I said last night when I got another call. "I'm going to answer this because he hasn't fucked me over," or something like that. so twisted inside.
been off my meds for a few days now. I can't afford to get them refilled. I don't try very hard. I'm so tired of begging money from my friends and I don't have any family left that can help or that I'd feel comfortable asking.
I miss shiny, shiny, shiny. talking to my therapist today, asking if I was happy before. she said I was, though I was lonely during the week. I was. I loved being with shiny. I wanted that all the time. I daydreamed about it. talking to my friend today, about how sad I've been. about how much I missed feeling happy. how nice it was. "yeah, we all liked it too," he said. "well, you can thank shiny for that. my mom I can't blame, but I hold shiny responsible for his actions."
Is this misplaced blame? am I just looking for a scape-goat?
part of me thinks so, but part of me also believes that what I feel is justified. that there was happiness on both sides. maybe he won't call anymore because he doesn't want to deal with my continuously refreshed pain. but I can't do that thing where I pretend everything is ok. I'm too honest. I'm too open. I just don't work that way.
I miss him so much and I hate it. I feel like a fool for loving him and continuing to want him. I'm mean to him because if I'm not, then I'll just fall further and further in love with him. I'm mean because it's a defense mechanism. If I'm not constantly reminding him and myself about how badly he hurt me, then I'll let it go and let him in and get all caught up in something that he won't let happen. I'll start hoping we'll get back together. I mean, I already do, but it will only get worse.
this is ridiculous.
how to go from amazing to awful in one simple month: lose your mom, lose your love, lose your hope, lose all faith that things will ever be ok again.