someone else's words again and again

sometimes, I want to say that I hate you. I don't. I love you and I wish I didn't. I love you and it hurts and I listen to songs that make me hurt more. I grab my pipe and think about numbing myself but instead I put it away and sit on the floor to cry.
I listen to songs that have nothing to do with you, but maybe a mis-heard line reminds me of this situation. "why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you" becomes "why can't I feel anything for anyone other than you." And I wonder, why can't I feel anything for anyone other than you?
"this all was only wishful thinking?"
it's not even a style of music I like. but it's a song I heard a long time ago, and it's stuck with me, wrong heard lyrics and all.
"I know you well enough to know you never loved me?"
but you did, you did, you did. just not the way I needed. just not in a way that matters now.

why did you stay with your cheating ex for a year but you couldn't wait to break up with me? I didn't do anything. all I did was want you, and hope, and trust you.
why the fuck aren't you here?
how could you fucking leave me?

I said you could call if you wanted, and if I didn't want to talk then I wouldn't answer. but I haven't heard from you since. not a single word.
but you said you cared. and you said you thought of me as a friend. and you said you loved me.

do you blame me for thinking you lied?