this time I don't know how to finish. as though I've ever known.

You used to feel like home. what would you feel like now? some closed off place that I cannot access? someone's closet? something else entirely?
You used to feel like home and the only time I was at ease was in your arms. The only time I felt happy was with you. the days in between our weekends were a blur, and I didn't care about much that didn't involve seeing your face or holding your hand.
I just
wanted
you.

I liked who I was with you. You specifically. You made me want to learn, to reach out, to try. You made me look at myself with different eyes and see something I'd been hiding from me. I felt hopeful, and cheerful, and good. I was starting to feel at peace with myself. our future rolled out in front of me slowly, like a new carpet. I could hardly believe I'd found you. I just couldn't believe you existed, and you loved me, and I was your's. I was your's so completely. And once upon a time, you told me you were mine too.

If my mom hadn't died, would you still be with me?
because you acted so entranced when we were first dating. you said sweet things. it was fun. you were excited to see me. you went into work late so you could spend another night with me. but then you stopped doing that. why? what happened?
my sister told me she couldn't read you. you are neutral. I couldn't read you, either. I couldn't tell how you were feeling, at least not as obviously as with other people. but my early, silent predictions became true and I hate it. sometimes I just hate being right.
now I can't see anything in front of me.
I needed you so badly and you just let me fall.
how does that feel? what is that like? your own self-recrimination isn't enough. I miss you so much. I can feel myself slipping back to how I used to be and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. you kept me safe and sane and now I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do.

I hate that I've needed you so badly. I hate that you could just walk away like it was nothing, and say I was just your friend like it was easy, like you didn't still want me. I hate how easy everything is for you. I want this to be difficult. I want you to call me, and cry, and say how sorry you are for what you've done, how sorry you are that things had to happen like this. Because you haven't really sounded sorry at all.
Once a day, at least, I burst out into sobs because of all of this. if my mother hadn't gotten sick, would we still be together?
It isn't bad enough that my mom had to die, but you had to go away too. and my roommate. and my new friend. and my happiness. and my contentment.
I feel empty, empty, empty. I fill the hole with art projects and audio books that you recommended and TV shows we used to watch together. I paint pictures of downcast people and ridiculous cats and I wish I could share it all with you. I still want to share everything with you.
I used to day dream about living with you. I used to think about how we'd have our kitchen, how things would be set up. I only ever disrupted your life but you made mine so much better.
I wonder if you've ever felt that way about anyone. I assume you didn't feel that way about me.
you don't feel the way I do, or in the fashion that I do, or as deeply as I do, or as passionately. I wonder where your passion hides.
I miss the way you'd laugh at me when I got excited about things. It was so unbelievable and beautiful. sometimes I'd purposely act ridiculous just to hear that laugh, to see your eyes crinkle, your strange teeth, those lines in your face.
You occupied every part of my mind all the time.
every part of me was infused with you.
I thought we had time to figure you out. I thought we had all the time, ever.
I know it's ridiculous to think that after only 5 months. I knew after 2 months that I loved you and wanted to stay with you. Hell, I knew that after only 2 weeks.

I pour myself out here because I have no one to talk about this. I am ashamed that I feel this way. I'm ashamed to love you so much. I'm embarrassed by how badly I still want you.

I don't wait anymore for emails from you. Sometimes I still hope you'll call. sometimes I still hope I'll hear from you. I miss your voice, and your laughter, and the way you used to say "love you."
Now all I do is kill time, but for nothing. there's nothing to look forward to like there was with you. my days are just days, and all of them feel twice as long as they are. the weekends hold no meaning. nothing matters as much as it used to.

I don't have anyone to hold me at 2am when I randomly start sobbing because I miss my mom.
I only have me to hold myself. wrap my arms around my knees and let the tears run down my legs.

I wonder what sleeps in your depths. I wonder what monsters keep your feelings hidden.

I wonder who will finally get to find out who you are.
there was a time when I was certain it would be me.