I guess it's self-awareness

my roommate said it best when she said, "he doesn't seem to feel very deeply." I have been trying to put my finger on what his problem actually is, and she managed to sum it up perfectly. he lacks a depth of emotion.
this is a poignant bookend to last summer, when I was told by two separate people that I feel very deeply. Steel and wizard both made that observation independently of each other.
so here I am, circled around from last year. again it comes down to depth of emotion. my misery and love rests upon how much a person can feel. how much one lets one's self feel.

I feel ok right now. a friend helped me clean my room yesterday. we took out 5 shopping bags of trash. she scrubbed while I sorted. my cat sniffed my room like it was new. I woke up this morning and looked down and felt amazement at my floor. the feeling has carried me these past 2 hours. I don't want to revel too deeply in it, since it is inevitably fleeting, but I also don't want to discount the gravity of this progress.

trying to find my solid footing. the sand is firming, but I still sink in. this is going to be a long, slow struggle. I get tired just thinking about it. one foot at a time. one step at a time.
I'm looking forward to being alone this afternoon, to work on some art, to listen to an audio-book. I can look forward to being alone because I know that tomorrow I won't be. If I keep these plans, then the times when I am alone become more precious.
I miss my mom.
I wish I could just coast on this serenity. I wonder what it's like to barely feel? what does life feel like? what does anything even mean?
are you even aware of how little you feel?
and if you were, would you care?