stop it.

red-rimmed eyes from the mirror stare. I don't want them anymore. curled lip crumples as I sob: my face a distorted mess. tired of crying. put together 2 and 2 and discovered that crying at night makes the next day awful. crying hurts but not crying does too. there is no winning here. there is only loss.

missing someone that says they care.
if they care, then where are they?
where am I?
who am I?

what happened?

still hard to believe that this is my life now. hard to believe how quickly the bottom can fall out of one's stability. I feel like the character in a cartoon, running and running until the cliff runs out. hanging comically in mid-air, not yet realizing that there's nothing beneath my feet. suddenly falling, piece by piece. feet, legs, torso, head. maybe a little wave good-bye.

I think of my mom and I miss her. It is hard for me to believe that I'll never hug her again or hear her voice. Hard to believe all that has happened this summer. hard to believe that shiny left me. hard to believe my roommate is leaving me. hard to believe that my newest good friend is going to be dating Pants. hard to believe, hard to believe, hard to believe.
cry.
maybe it's more like falling through awnings. Each time I land on one, I think that maybe this is the one that will hold me. but it doesn't. each one rips. some just take longer. when do I get to reach bottom? when do I meet the ground?

tired of feeling like a passenger in the wreck that my life has become. but there's no gaining control. I just have to wait it out.
and I have to learn to do it alone.
and it's so fucking hard.