my cluttered brain

try to figure out why I hold onto sadness. try to recognize the base of this. no picture to paint, no words to describe, but I'll try anyway.
why do I crave attention? sadness is the fastest way to get it so sadness is what I cling to. when I create something and I get recognition, that works too, but it's much less likely to happen. why do I need to be validated by others? why am I jealous of their connections?
but where it all started isn't what matters. why I still do it, does.
apologies only go so far. I've tried.
there are bridges that have been burnt, and not just by my hand.
egos bent and bruised. minds changed, and not for the better. secrets and fear and jealousy. misunderstandings. miscommunication. missing.
I still wait for people to come home that I haven't seen in years. I still dream about them.
Last night I dreamt that my mom was dead. it's the first time I've done that.
why do I want recognition from people? why do I want attention? why do I care how other people view me?
why the fuck does any of this matter?