things don't feel real and things don't feel good. told shiny I needed to stop talking to him because I am in love with him and the feelings aren't mutual. mentally composed suicide notes as I rode my bike to work. tried to figure out how many different ways I could say to everyone, "it's not your fault, but it is."
because the world does pile on more than one person can handle. and the well-meaning advice people give me just makes me angrier. when the time comes that I push everyone away, I'll be ready to give in. give in to the goals and ideas that I've long avoided.
I don't want to go to the hospital. I don't want to survive. this is so much harder than I think anyone realizes. and everyone thinks someone else will take care of things. everyone thinks I'm doing ok. everyone has their own shit to deal with. and it's rarely the people that I want to call that do. and it's rarely the people that I want to see that show up.
and when was the last time I felt good for more than five minutes? Oh, right. it was the last time I was with shiny.
fuck you. fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I am miserable and unseen and I make people too uncomfortable to do anything about it.
it's so much easier to ignore me because eventually I'll just go away.
don't worry. you'll get your wish.
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