reminder of nothing

Ache. Aching. Will ache. Has ached. Will have ached.
To this I say, "yes."
My summer has been strange. Unusual. Different. Odd. Uncommon. I simultaneously fall apart and connect. Who are these people that arrive wordlessly and leave just as softly? Who are these people that I love, and lose, and then wrap up their memory as another reminder of what not to do?
I am good for more than what I have been given.
I can give more than I have offered.
I miss nothing that I once had, no matter what words I use. I do not want to be who I was. I do not want what I had.
I still ache for simple things. Wizard's curly stomach hair. His smile. His eyes. I miss him. What has happened to me?
How did this happen? From mystery? From longing? Right place, right time? How do I make this work for me? How can I either stop or start; just get out of this limbo?

[dis]orientation, or back to it

I know I lost you a long time ago; far before you ever left me. Lost you in a dream that wasn't really mine. You didn't need me like I needed you. Now it's over and you're gone, and I don't think I really love you any more.

People are saying to me that they have the old scuffy back. What is that? I don't feel like I've ever been just one thing. That's the problem. You can't go back to what isn't there. And I don't want to go back. It obviously wasn't working for me. So who am I now?

I dreamed of validation, assertion, certainty. Lately my life has been giving me small fistfuls of support. Strangers tell me that I am beautiful. My review at work was only favorable. Two raises while I was gone. I am buoyed by this for a little bit. Then down I sink again, wondering why I can't be good enough for my own standards. Why can't I be good enough for the people that I want?
There is self-doubt, yes. There is always the desire to be someone and something that I am not. When can I finally be content with what I have? When will it ever be enough? Am I going to spend my entire life playing catch up to some unattainable ideal? What about the people around me? Who can possibly live up to my standards?

People find me and I let them go.
I find someone and they leave me.
How do I satisfy myself with loneliness?
How do I come to terms with it?

How can I love without dependence?
Is it wrong to depend on someone?

I do remember this formula. It has never brought me peace. How can I discard that which has only ever hurt me?

How can I rid myself of all this love?

oh no, contradiction

I liked me better when I was guarding my heart. There's a hole there and I'm trying to fill it with meaningless things that only hurt more when they've passed. It is good for me to be alone and I'd like to remember that. I don't know what to do with myself right now. "You'll be fine in a week." I don't want to be that kind of fine. I don't want to chase after someone who is across the country. I don't want to want someone who isn't here at all. I am doing this "not initiating contact" thing, but rarely does it work for me. Neither does obsessing and contacting the person so much that everything gets fucked, though.
I have entered self-destruct mode because it's how I deal with heart ache. I am in love with a fantasy. I want to want to be alone. I want for this to pass.
I miss wizard. I want to call him. I want to force him to say that he doesn't want me. But he's dealing with things bigger than me, just as I will soon be dealing with things bigger than this. If I can wait one more week and see how I feel, then maybe I can open up some dialogue. I am impatient. I am being dramatic. I hate this side of me.
I miss reciprocated emotion. I need to break out of this desire.
I don't know what else to say. I don't want to say anything else. My head aches and I just want to forget who I am and the things I have done to get me to this place.

more pain for your perusal

I hate you beautiful people with your stubble and your slender fingers. I hate the way I feel when I see you. I hate the things that we do together, or don't do, or refuse to do, or things that I miss that we did. I hate wanting you so badly and being denied. I hate you beautiful people with your beautiful eyes, that beautiful smile, and the way you touch me when you talk (sometimes). I hate your face. I hate your ribs. I hate everything you do. I hate your enchanting voice.
I hate you so much because you will not love me. You will not be with me. I am beside you and it pains me constantly. I am less than nothing because you refuse to be anything to me. I hate your words and the hopes they give me.
I hate these interactions because I miss them so much when you are gone.
I miss you so much when you are gone.

I hate you beautiful people that will not be with me.
I never belong.
I never fit in.
I will never be normal enough.
I wish I could have stopped this long ago. After a while everything builds up and I no longer know what to do with all of this disappointment.
What do I do with all of this disappointment?
I want to die so badly right now, but I know if I can just wait it out then the feeling will pass.

Oh, you have no idea what I put myself through so that I love no one at all. I hate myself more than anything or anyone that could ever be thrown at me.
I hate myself and I don't know how to fix it.

the art of aching

"You'll be fine in a week." But I don't want to be. I don't want to let go of this feeling; I don't want to forget how it felt to see him again. I don't want to forget the comfort in my chest as his hands slowly moved across my back. I don't want to forget his warmth. I want to hold on. I want him to come back.
This is heart ache in a way I'm not sure I've felt before. It's heart ache for just one person; not for a tangle of emotions and unresolved problems. This is frightening because I thought I had things under control but it turns out I do not. And yes, in a week it will fade because I will be back in school and work and in the crunch of things. Right now, though, I'd rather keep this clasped tightly inside of me.
I'll be honest.
Despite the pain, I really like feeling this way.
I've missed having someone to miss, even if it's only for a little while. Because at least this had nothing to do with me; distance through distance is something I'm more than happy to handle.

It's nice to have a muse again.

altered states bring open minds

If I wasn't a fucking wimp, I'd write to you and say this:
Wizard. You reminded me of the potential people have. I miss stupid shit about you, like your fanny pack. I miss beautiful things like the way your eyes crinkled when you smiled. It felt so good to be around you. Comfortable, relaxed. I knew there were always things you were feeling but not saying; I'm kind of used to that. If I wasn't a fucking wimp, I'd say that I wish we lived in the same town so we could be together. I'd say that I want to be with you. I'd say how much I'd like to hold hands with you in public and make out with you in a park. It would be wonderful to listen to metal with you. To collaborate on art. To fall in love.
If I wasn't drunk, I wouldn't be saying any of this now. Maybe I'll delete this in the morning. But I loved the feel of you against me, in any way. I liked how close you'd sit to me so our legs would touch. We had one week together. We had one week and it was so good. When I saw you again I felt like I'd regained a lost part of me. I didn't want you to leave but couldn't say it.
I want you. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I want you. I don't know what to do with this feeling but pretend it doesn't exist. I don't know what to do with any of this. It feels good but is terrifying because ultimately I am a cynic and even if I could tell you these things, I don't know that it could work.
This feels like old days. It is familiar. The difference? I am actually over my exes.
I miss you so much.

then, now, when

When I was 18, one night I went to see a band and when I went to my dorm room afterwards I tried to kill myself.
It's ten years later, and I'm listening to who that band is now. I could listen to their old music back to back with their new; can I do that with myself too? Can I compare who I used to be then to who I am now? Ask me to draw a picture ten years ago of who I would be today, and this isn't it. I think I would have been happier with who I am now than who I imagined I might be. I didn't think I would live past 20. Does anyone? I tried to see the future and it was blank. This is what blank becomes.

I write my history on my blankness until I can recite them like fairy tales. Old fairy tales, where the wolf rapes little red. The princess becomes a single mom. Prince charming ends up being just like every other dick in the world. Every lesson is learned the hardest way, despite every piece of advice given. I look back and isn't it obvious? Why didn't I listen to what people told me? I try to listen now; do I succeed?
Blank person turns into me. This is the future I couldn't see. Who will I be in 10 years? Should I bother trying to predict it?
Things I'd want: fulfilling relationship. fulfilling job. volunteer work. love love love.

Talked to Con today about ex-otter. It didn't hurt. I got a little serious, but I've realized that I don't really like ex-otter as a person. He was ill-suited to be my partner. This isn't a magic, "I'm over him" thing. I may get over him, but the situation will always pain me. My roommate and I have agreed that neither of us think we'll be able to find someone in Providence. I do believe I will have to go elsewhere to find love again.
I am ok with this.
I keep thinking about wizard. He came back for the night. His flight was delayed. "How not to start a relationship," I think is what I said in a recent entry here. We stayed up all night and I drove him to the airport at 4 am, using a borrowed car. I missed him for the few days we were apart. Seeing him again has made it worse and I am a little confused. I have fallen out of words. I don't know what to write. I want more of him and I don't know what to do. He said, "since I quit cigarettes and drinking," and I wonder if it was mentioned for my benefit. I said, "we could get in so much trouble together." He's in Florida. Nice one, scuffy.

Dear world,
There is something I want to tell you. I want to teach you about the love that I have had and all the ruin it has brought me. I want to tell you how terrifying it is to know that someone else is depending on the words you give them. To love someone is to be completely vulnerable. If I call this person, will they call me back? Will they do the things they say they will? Can I trust them not to hurt me? Can they trust me not to hurt them? To love someone is to try to catch a soap bubble. It's possible if done the right way, but it's so much easier to fuck it up.
I have burst so many bubbles that I'm starting to doubt my ability. "I think I should feel more upset about these people not talking to me." My therapist replies, "maybe you're growing up."
World, I am done with the non-communicators and drama-mongers. I am tired of those that cannot express their needs. Oh yes, love is blind. But eventually sight is restored and something more is needed.
I need a misfit who could do everything for me but won't. Someone who's kinky but respectful. A great smile. Beautiful eyes. Appreciation of sci-fi and comics. I need someone who will call me out and talk to me about it, and encourage me to call them out as well. Someone efficient, intelligent, curious, creative, funny, strong, active, supportive, empathetic. Someone who believes that people are connected. I don't want to be jealous. I'm getting better. I want someone who rides bikes and loves cats and reads and watches dorky shows like x-files and star trek. I want someone who can spell. I want someone who loves androgyny and refers to me with gender neutral pronouns. I want someone to help me buzz my head. I want someone to grow with me. Someone to change with me. Someone to learn with me.
I want to be an "us."
Yes. I am growing up.
Dear world,
Please help me.

another way to be

It's like this:
Some things you never get over. Some things just stay. I said to my roommate tonight, "I don't feel like everything is just a bad dream anymore." She said, "well that's good!"
"It's been nine months," I said. "Sometimes you just wonder 'when will I be over this?'" she said.
Time still doesn't move, but it isn't because it's standing still. It's more like trying to walk up the down escalator. If you match your pace perfectly, you stay in the same place. You are moving, yes, but not getting anywhere.
"I'm done with casual sex." "Good for you!" high five.
Can I tell you that right now I want to cry? Maybe I will just a little.
Can I tell you a story? I used to ask that all the time.
I'd be the drop in your bucket if you'd pad it for me, baby. I'd be just another one in the crowd if it added to your life. I don't talk about anyone anymore. None of it really matters. I've stepped outside of the games I used to run in circles around. I have left and been left and also had mutual abandonment. I am beyond this disruption. "I don't have time in my life for people like that." It's true. What's the use in explaining myself to someone who doesn't communicate? You tell me, but wait. You can't. Because you won't talk.

Sometimes I get bitter just because I'm lonely. I get sad but I know it will pass. It's these small times, when I feel the escalator humming, that keep me moving. Because someday something will change and I will finally get to where I'm going.
Look, there may never be someone that fits me. I have realized that many people would be happy to be with me. But I need more than just settling. This past week with wizard reminded me that there are still people out there that mesh with me. I can be understanding. I keep feeling my habits trying to get me to be very melancholy. Then I wonder, "why do I want to do that to myself?"
I don't.
I had such a good time with him. New people bring me hope. These experiences mean so much to me.

There is nothing wrong with me that isn't somehow wrong with everyone else, too. Once I realize that, I think things will be different for me.
Hell, they kind of already are.

dang me

jump at every light and every sound, like one of them's gonna be someone coming to hold me.

let's be honest though. it's always a surprise when someone shows up.
always a disappointment when they don't.

time spent in between

Melancholy this afternoon, since buttercup claimed his anger. He is pissed at me and I don't know why. For someone to be that mad, I'd imagine I'd know the reason if I were the cause. Of course, this isn't the first time someone has claimed anger without me knowing. And here's what I don't understand either: buttercup used to be so logical and non-dramatic. When did he regress? When did he get immature and bitchy? When did he start thinking something was going to happen between us again? I don't know, but it was all news to me.
Melancholy. Wizard says I'm too hard on myself. "You seem to assume that other people don't have flaws. Everyone gets annoying after a while. With the information I have, it seems that he had expectations that he didn't share with you." He's right. It seems so obvious when put so bluntly. I should have one-week travel-through stands more often. This guy is top notch, short term.
People always want to give me advice. Probably try to give everyone advice. Sometimes I just have something to say that can't be solved with one sentence. Sometimes I just want to talk, not fix. Do you get it?

Melancholy but I don't miss anyone. I'm PMSing and the emotions show. Melancholy and aching for it to pass. I can get used to being alone. Con wants to fuck me again. I just want to be loved.
Is anyone ever going to love me again? Or am I just going to be a sex receptacle until I'm worn out and useless? I know that's a ridiculous question. But sometimes I feel it very keenly. There is no one in this town I could think of dating. I will embrace being alone. I will put it in my heart and live it.

home is where I left it

I left so that I could come home. I didn't know what "home" was until I felt its sun on my face and felt my smile cracking the corners of my mouth. Grin so wide I could eat the whole city. I've walked around this past week and a half saying, "my city, my city." It finally is. This is home.

I love meeting people who have never been here so I can show them around. Take them to my favorite eating spots, favorite tree-climbing spots, H.P. Lovecraft's grave, favorite bike shop, hangouts, and everywhere I run into people I know. This is new to me. It has taken over 4 years to reach this point. I love where I live.
I love Providence's quirks and confusion. The one way streets and unmarked roads. I love the potholes and the attitudes. I went away to find what I thought I wanted, only to realize I'd actually left it all behind. So I am home now. Home with the dirty streets and cracked pavement. Narrow lanes, aggressive drivers, noise bands, metal parties, marching bands, bad fashion, ivy league snobs, hipsters, kickball, dog parks, broken swings, staring kids, and so many things I resented before are now beloved to me. Is this universal? Will this last?

fore-overshadowing, or, the lives we left behind

Since ex-otter left me, I have been spending more time on okcupid. Probably more time than I've ever spent on it before, and I have had an account there for five years. Today I wrote to someone and they mentioned that they know deafgirl. "Not THAT deafgirl, right?" The one and only. and he said something like, "I know the history."
No, you know HER history. You know HIS history. You do not know MY history. So I cut that thread, explaining that I have been trying to purge my life of those two people.
Though the experience has stayed with me for the day, it has been overshadowed by the urinary tract infection I currently have. Probably from swimming in the dirty waters of RI. How much more affected would I have been had I not had physical discomfort to distract me?

The emotional pain was bad, much worse, when I was traveling. Now I am home and I am tired. I'm tired of the heart ache, the longing, the sense of betrayal and abandonment. A couple nights ago I dreamt that ex-otter called me by the wrong name and then refused to use gender neutral pronouns because he said I now dressed too girly. Honestly, it sounds more like something my ex-husband would do/has done. I am angry and hurt by his treatment of me. Him and friends who have left me too, with no warning or explanation. But, I suppose it's not part of the contract that they tell me why they leave.

I think my ex-husband or his girlfriend have been reading this. There's a reader from Fresno, CA. If one of them is, why not just contact me? If you're so completely done with me, why bother checking up on me? You know my email address. Just write. I want to be friends.

So tired.

I am reaching the beginning of the end, I think. I am sick of seeking outside affirmation. I have begun to relish the time I have alone; at least when I'm not sick. These habits are so hard to break. Tell myself to stop flirting, but I do anyway. It's ingrained. Getting better, but ingrained. I have to teach myself a whole new way of looking at people, looking at myself, and looking at how I live. I've already made progress in being less judgmental and more aware of my moods. I am not perfection.

Lately I have been scared of being alone. As I further heal, I think that fear will dissipate. For now, however, it sickens my heart. Have I blown too many chances? Or have I been the ever-willing tugboat, moving partners to better places?

Gij spoke of over-thinking. Hyper-awareness. I am there too, though differently. I want to accept things as they are, rather than wonder why they aren't how I expected them to be. I don't know how to learn that behavior. Or how to change years of negativity. I get mad that people expect I am the same as I ever was, and yet I myself expect that from the world around me.
I am so tired, so tired, just crashing. Ready to stop this train. Ready to cease the self-pity. I just want to be content, and leave it at that.

the dreams that drag us down? I'm resurfacing

Maybe it's time I write a little about where I went and what I did. Maybe I should give a blow by blow of every ride and every couch, bed, and floor on which I slept. Maybe I could talk about the people I met, the conversations we had, and the life wisdom I have now accrued. But I say fuck that. You want to know what happened? Let me tell you.

I traveled nearly two thousand miles just to realize that Providence is home. I traveled to realize that my oldest friend isn't really that great for me. I traveled to be disappointed, to realign, to figure out what matters (and I still don't really know and I'm not convinced I ever will). I traveled and figured out a little more about what I need in a partner, what I need in my life, and what I want from where I eventually end up. I traveled to realize that a best fried is more than just phone calls and empathy. I discovered that I can be comfortable being alone. Casual sex is too casual for me now. People miss me when I'm gone. I love Steel despite the fact that we're not going to be together. I don't want to be with ex-otter; I miss him in ways that aren't necessary. I miss him like a shadow, not like a person.

Bones said to me, "I don't believe in psychic energy but I think it would be good for you if you got rid of that stuff" (meaning dru's TV, fan, and mirror that his brother had given me well before dru died). I hung out with ex-otter's old roommate last night and he said, "why don't you get the car towed?" And it's true. You know, I've been reverting to old habits. It's like I expect someone else to do everything for me. More than that, though, I've just been holding onto these things that keep his ghost around me. I think that's why I took all the extraneous things off of my bike. I think I wanted to make it different from how it was when he gave it to me. When the winter comes around again, it will go back to how it was when he dumped me. It will go back to his ghost and I will have to deal with that again. How long will this take?

This has been the longest process in my life. I am searching for someone that doesn't exist. I think I'm ready to fall in love, but I'm not. I want to feel complete in myself. I want to not want someone; I want it to come to me like it has in the past. Like Steel came to me. When I wasn't looking.

I want to view people as people, not potentials. I am frightened to flirt. I want people to want me because of who I am, not because of how I look.
I went away to get away but instead I was more immersed than ever. It was coming home that provided the release.
I can see the differences that have left. I can see the ones that have stayed. I still have habits that I want to deny, but can't. There are things about me I'd still like to change. Things I may always want to change. "I like the new Scuffy," but how well did you really know me before? I long for closeness. I want something real that I can hold onto in dark times. I want to be that person too.

Who are my friends and who are those that just happen to be there? Who counts me among the ones they love? Who would call me in a time of crisis? Who needs me? Whose list has my name on it as people to contact when they die?

Do you want to know how I'm doing, or do you just ask to pass the time? How was my trip?

Let's keep it short. It was nothing like I expected.

things I've wanted to say but couldn't because now we're "just friends"

I miss fucking you.
We are so compatible sexually. I wish the other stuff didn't matter. You know, the relationship aspect, and the feelings, and incompatibility in other ways. But I miss the way your sweat would drip on me. One night you shoved my face into a pillow and tied my hands between my feet and proceeded to fuck me and put toys in my ass. Slowly. That was the best night, I think; or one of them. That is what I wanted to continue doing. That is what I miss the most. Because it wasn't pre-planned. You always knew what to do with my ass, you knew what to do with your dick, and it always felt so good to fall asleep with you afterwards. Maybe our relationship didn't last very long, but I wish the sex could have kept going.
I miss your cock. I loved to give you head. I liked how your dick stayed hard with a condom on. It was a big change from the ex-otter. He had problems. You didn't. I like how much you loved my ass; looking at it and playing with it. You had good technique when it came to spanking me. It was unique and effective and always left me wanting more.
I miss your chest hair, and your eyes, and your back, and your lips. There have been times I've wanted to text or call and say, "I miss having sex with you." Not so we would have sex again, but just so you'd know I was thinking about you.
However, I know you better than you think I do. You are scared I'll suck you in again, so you've put up even more barriers than usual. This is understandable. I do not think we will ever be emotionally compatible, but oh. The sex was so good. I'm not sure I could fuck you now, knowing that you were always holding something back from me. I don't care what happens before or after, but during it? I want you to be all mine and for me to be all your's. That can't happen if you're holding anything back. That can't happen when you're worried about me loving you.

And you don't yet seem to understand that sex and love can be mutually exclusive. One is not necessary for the other. I love you right now, yet we are not fucking. I could love you and fuck you and not have it be any bigger of a deal than it is right now. You are comforting to me. I trust you in some ways. If you could let go of your misunderstandings of me, things would be so much easier.

Why can't you just talk to me, instead of making all these unfair assumptions?

Seriously? Is it worth missing all the things I could give you, just so you don't have to communicate?

footpath to redemption

Who even misses me these days?

Is there anyone left that I haven't somehow hurt or turned away? Is these anyone now that hasn't somehow torn me? I thought I was different than I used to be, but the more I see these relationship fall away, the more I realize all my old habits are just better hidden now.
I still react poorly and selfishly. I still become self-destructive. I still get offended as though someone was personally attacking me, instead of them just living the way they know how to. In fact, I think it's been getting worse lately. Not worse than it was before December, though. At least I have that.

Words and [para]phrases that have been used to describe me recently:
demanding
selfish
my feelings are more important than those of others
illogical
unfair
passive-aggressive
I act like I'm owed something
unpredictable
confrontational
moody

I wish I could deny any of these things, but they all have merit in some way. All of these are traits I have been trying to counteract -- at least the ones of which I was aware. I am glad I've had a rash of people actually telling me what they think, painful as it is. It's what I've been seeking. It would just be nice if they'd tell me when it was constructive, rather than well after the fact.

I mean, it's still constructive for ME, but not for the relationship that has been left behind. Relationship means, "friendship" or "partner" or any interaction with someone else. I want to like myself. I want to be someone I would trust and love, and do trust and love. I have so much work to do until then. I want to remember how to breathe, and how to think without anger. How to respond without reacting. I fucked up again last night and it would be so nice to not feel like time spent with someone was a waste. I woke up this morning thinking about him, and it really annoyed me. I can't back-track. Sometimes, plain and simple, I'm a jerk.

When I was dating Buttercup, I said, "I want to care about someone more than I care about myself." To an extent that is still true. I want to care about someone as much as I care about myself. I want to trust someone, and love them, and be with them. I want to immediately think about my possible responses. How do I slow myself down? How do I keep from reacting?
I don't know. Is this the story of my life, or just background? There are people I miss that are completely cut off from me. I know it's not entirely my fault, but clearly something more could have been done on my side.

Why can't I just let go?
I don't really want to control every thing. So why don't I act like that?

So sick of being scared.