that's the thing, though: rainy days just make you think more about the good days. all these sad days remind me of the times that weren't. even rainy days were fun when I was with shiny. all I have now is me.
painting patterns on a mask I may never wear. wish I could show it to him. waiting for the rain that doesn't come. these sunless days chill me, and there is no source of warmth that stays. wake up and wonder what the point is. wishing I could just go back to sleep. sleep through everything. sleep through the next few days weeks months years until this fades enough for me to have some kind of hope for happiness again.
poisoned needle in my chest spreads the coldness gradually. I thought the shock had worn off. turns out I was wrong. it doesn't end.
I want to throw myself against something, anything. I want brick walls and concrete floors scraping my skin and splintering my bones. I want to scream and scream and scream until I taste the blood in my throat. I want to cry all of this out, but it just doesn't work that way. no matter how many times I cry there is always more to come later. there is always the possibility for more pain.
every moment, every minute, every hour, every day. there is so much and there is no one here but me. there is only me. no one knows all of my story anymore. the only person I felt comfortable telling left me. one by one they all do that. one by one it's easier just to go away.
the ones that stay behind are desperate and I guess I am too now. I guess we attract each other. it's too bad that I loathe desperation.
I can't stop shaking these past few days. I can't remember what I eat or when. I don't sleep well or enough. my life has become a wreck of self-pity and sadness. I am pathetic.
my past looks so simple in retrospect.
rarely in my life have I so strongly longed for mediocrity.
and I thought things were bad when ex-otter left me.
fuck. if only I'd known how much worse it was going to get.
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