grip you in my tight fist. squeeze through my fingers like mud. I will collect you again, and re-shape you, and make you mine to grasp.
you don't escape. I don't let you.
and you, you, you: you are all over me. what can I do?
I let myself sink. there is no exit. there is only you, closing over me. there is no up or down. no matter where I go, there you are. you are in everything. you are a part of me.
I dream of the day that I become part of you again.
I dream that it will come.
and I worry that, like so many other dreams, it will never be true.
I am learning patience. right?
I want to learn to wait.
I want to wait for you.
30 September 2010
29 September 2010
just a reminder
last night I had a dream that I happened upon someone who read this journal. I knew him from seeing him around providence. he had a "deer tick" tattoo on his neck and was very sweet as he told me how he liked my writing. he flattered me with his adoration and we rode our bikes around and went through buildings. I was late for work. he was a smoker and even though I liked him, I knew things wouldn't happen.
I don't date smokers anymore.
I don't dare date addicts.
I don't date smokers anymore.
I don't dare date addicts.
27 September 2010
muffled
dreams about those I have lost: those that have died or gone away. in my dreams, it is not amazing that my mother is not dead. in my dreams, she never died. last night I dreamt that shiny called me. the night before I dreamt that we rode our bikes together every day on our way to work and school. I came from my childhood house and he lived down the street. if I timed it just right, I would go by his driveway as he left and our paths would merge seamlessly. he agreed with me that it was very nice. he smiled, and I smiled, and when I woke up the first thing that I did was call him. 9am on a sunday. I woke him up to say that I dream about him.
I don't know what this feeling is. I get so confused. I don't know what there is to get confused about. I have talked to him almost every day lately. he feels so sad. I miss holding him. I miss being with him. he's not happy with his life. he's where he was before. I asked him what he wants from life and he could only answer in immediate, short-term goals. eat enough, sleep enough, life weights, read books, just do what he wants to do. but he said he can't even get that right.
I told him that the short-term doesn't matter without the long-term. people need people. I don't get up every morning for me. I get up for my sister. for him. for my roommate and my cat and all the people that would miss me. I go to school because I know that in a year I'll be back in the social work program. I'll be back where I want to be. I asked him "why do you get up in the morning?"
he lives in long pauses. sometimes he waits so long to answer that I'm not sure if he heard me. I didn't wait to hear the answer this time. talking to him is an exercise in patience for me, but not in the accustomed way. I wonder what goes on inside his head when he contemplates my questions. I wonder why he doesn't try to figure himself out.
I told him he feels empty and it scares me. I told him it feels like he's hiding. I said that I could be wrong. again, I didn't wait for a response.
I told him he was allowed to contact me. I wish he'd write. I wish he'd think. I wish he'd say something real without my prompting.
in the end, aren't I just wishing for someone else?
I don't know.
he felt so good.
it was so good to be with him.
I don't know what this feeling is. I get so confused. I don't know what there is to get confused about. I have talked to him almost every day lately. he feels so sad. I miss holding him. I miss being with him. he's not happy with his life. he's where he was before. I asked him what he wants from life and he could only answer in immediate, short-term goals. eat enough, sleep enough, life weights, read books, just do what he wants to do. but he said he can't even get that right.
I told him that the short-term doesn't matter without the long-term. people need people. I don't get up every morning for me. I get up for my sister. for him. for my roommate and my cat and all the people that would miss me. I go to school because I know that in a year I'll be back in the social work program. I'll be back where I want to be. I asked him "why do you get up in the morning?"
he lives in long pauses. sometimes he waits so long to answer that I'm not sure if he heard me. I didn't wait to hear the answer this time. talking to him is an exercise in patience for me, but not in the accustomed way. I wonder what goes on inside his head when he contemplates my questions. I wonder why he doesn't try to figure himself out.
I told him he feels empty and it scares me. I told him it feels like he's hiding. I said that I could be wrong. again, I didn't wait for a response.
I told him he was allowed to contact me. I wish he'd write. I wish he'd think. I wish he'd say something real without my prompting.
in the end, aren't I just wishing for someone else?
I don't know.
he felt so good.
it was so good to be with him.
whenever everything seems to be going right, I know things are about to go wrong.
20 September 2010
pointless
I don't know who I see anymore when I masturbate. I used to picture shiny so clearly. but it's been over two months since the last time I saw him. over two months since we last had sex. it feels like it's been a lot longer.
five months. it was only five months. but I'm still all wrecked over it.
three months today since my mom died. shiny held me. we walked to the park. I called my dad. shiny makes helpless sad noises when I cry at him. when I called last week and broke down, he made those same noises.
I wish I wasn't so hard on him.
I wish he'd let me in.
five months. it was only five months. but I'm still all wrecked over it.
three months today since my mom died. shiny held me. we walked to the park. I called my dad. shiny makes helpless sad noises when I cry at him. when I called last week and broke down, he made those same noises.
I wish I wasn't so hard on him.
I wish he'd let me in.
these are questions
I have been using my typewriter lately. I have tapped out some pages where I get to use real names because no one else gets to see them. Not now, anyway. not for a while, if ever.
last night I called shiny and we talked for a while and somehow things ended up getting very serious. I hadn't meant to do that. I told him that I felt sad for him because his life seemed so empty. it seems like he only does what he thinks is expected of him and not a step more than that. he agreed. he seems untouched by everything. I don't understand it. and I don't understand why I continue to want him so badly.
I said, "I think I liked being with you because it was like being alone." I didn't mean that I was lonely (though I was during the week, in between times, I meant that he didn't take up energy. I loved being with him. I loved spending time with him. having him with me was comforting because he was there just for me. joy tried telling me that he was boring and dull and nothing and I just kept disagreeing. he's very interesting. he's fascinating. how can somebody live like he does? that in itself fascinates me. but that he can seem so sweet and caring also confuses me. he isn't one to think of surprises or do anything more than what he is asked to do.
and even though he seems untouched by everything, he still will not read this journal. I asked him if he thinks about the past. "No."
"Well, maybe you should. it might help."
there is so much I still don't understand.
and I don't know why it's so important that I do so.
last night I called shiny and we talked for a while and somehow things ended up getting very serious. I hadn't meant to do that. I told him that I felt sad for him because his life seemed so empty. it seems like he only does what he thinks is expected of him and not a step more than that. he agreed. he seems untouched by everything. I don't understand it. and I don't understand why I continue to want him so badly.
I said, "I think I liked being with you because it was like being alone." I didn't mean that I was lonely (though I was during the week, in between times, I meant that he didn't take up energy. I loved being with him. I loved spending time with him. having him with me was comforting because he was there just for me. joy tried telling me that he was boring and dull and nothing and I just kept disagreeing. he's very interesting. he's fascinating. how can somebody live like he does? that in itself fascinates me. but that he can seem so sweet and caring also confuses me. he isn't one to think of surprises or do anything more than what he is asked to do.
and even though he seems untouched by everything, he still will not read this journal. I asked him if he thinks about the past. "No."
"Well, maybe you should. it might help."
there is so much I still don't understand.
and I don't know why it's so important that I do so.
and I don't know why I still want him to come back to me.
15 September 2010
try to unwind this, try to undo the knots
called shiny at 11pm last night because I couldn't sleep and I knew he was the only one that could calm my brain. reminds me of how I used to be the only one that could calm down buttercup's anxiety. but then I became his anxiety. is that shiny's lot in my life? he calms me or he hurts me but there is no neutral setting?
called shiny last night and I became the person that I liked. and we laughed and I loved his voice and how he'd laugh at my laughter and the stupid shit I say just to make him laugh. I say ridiculous things in ridiculous ways because it makes him make ridiculous sounds. I am still with him, even if he isn't with me, and I don't know what to do with that.
all I know is that I ache horribly without him in my life. I typed him a letter but I haven't sent it. he hasn't said whether or not he wants me to. I guess that means he doesn't. I'll probably send it anyway.
I just do what I want to do anyway.
just like everyone else. always looking out for ourselves, no matter who it hurts.
nobody else will just listen. I don't need solutions. I don't need sympathy. I need quiet empathy. I need love without judgment.
I need shiny.
I guess it's time to see what happens next.
called shiny last night and I became the person that I liked. and we laughed and I loved his voice and how he'd laugh at my laughter and the stupid shit I say just to make him laugh. I say ridiculous things in ridiculous ways because it makes him make ridiculous sounds. I am still with him, even if he isn't with me, and I don't know what to do with that.
all I know is that I ache horribly without him in my life. I typed him a letter but I haven't sent it. he hasn't said whether or not he wants me to. I guess that means he doesn't. I'll probably send it anyway.
I just do what I want to do anyway.
just like everyone else. always looking out for ourselves, no matter who it hurts.
but that's not what I wanted to say here. I don't want to be so full of self-pity. but I don't want to be some kind of martyr without a cause, either. I want things to make sense like they used to, but we can never go back to how we were. there are only steps forward. we don't get to step backwards. always forwards.
and I wish I could have talked to shiny about why I couldn't sleep. I wish he would have asked. I would have told him. I wonder if I'll call him tonight. I don't know. I wonder if he'd answer. probably.
I didn't mean to depend on him like this.
but I don't know what to do.
nobody else will just listen. I don't need solutions. I don't need sympathy. I need quiet empathy. I need love without judgment.
I need shiny.
I guess it's time to see what happens next.
14 September 2010
why is this getting harder instead of easier? [backdated]
sometimes the places in my dreams feel more real than the waking world. they are closer to my heart and offer feelings that regular places do not. there is a world laid out in my memory that no one else can access. it is mine, and mine alone.
in that world, my parents are still together. my mom is still alive. there is no distant step-dad or bird-like step-mom. the house that I grew up in has not changed so drastically. there are secret rooms, secret balconies, secret passages that I have to shimmy up.there are the places from my life that I have loved the most, that have influenced me, and others that I made up entirely.
there, none of my friends have left me.
there, love doesn't abandon me.
there, everything makes sense.
everything is accepted as it appears to be. all the monsters never reach me and there's always a safe place to go.
and there's always someone to hold me.
and I am not afraid.
and no one goes away.
and I don't ever wake up.
in that world, my parents are still together. my mom is still alive. there is no distant step-dad or bird-like step-mom. the house that I grew up in has not changed so drastically. there are secret rooms, secret balconies, secret passages that I have to shimmy up.there are the places from my life that I have loved the most, that have influenced me, and others that I made up entirely.
there, none of my friends have left me.
there, love doesn't abandon me.
there, everything makes sense.
everything is accepted as it appears to be. all the monsters never reach me and there's always a safe place to go.
and there's always someone to hold me.
and I am not afraid.
and no one goes away.
and I don't ever wake up.
13 September 2010
backdate me
push
with the ball of my foot
for every action
there's an equal and opposite reaction.
up down, up down,
on and on until I reach
my destination
which I leave, with a push
of the ball of my foot
going in loops without you
drained all my passion and
replaced it with what?
sorrow?
no one revs me anymore.
what is action without reaction?
stored energy?
on and on and no one looks as good
as you did.
but the photographs don't make me cry.
stored energy.
grey skies.
memories.
all forward momentum
with as little effort as possible.
with the ball of my foot
for every action
there's an equal and opposite reaction.
up down, up down,
on and on until I reach
my destination
which I leave, with a push
of the ball of my foot
going in loops without you
drained all my passion and
replaced it with what?
sorrow?
no one revs me anymore.
what is action without reaction?
stored energy?
on and on and no one looks as good
as you did.
but the photographs don't make me cry.
stored energy.
grey skies.
memories.
all forward momentum
with as little effort as possible.
12 September 2010
not safe for anything
You used to straddle my chest and lean your head against the wall so you could watch my face as you fucked it. I'm not sure when that stopped. I know it had ceased after my mom died, but I'm not sure if it started before then.
Yeah, I miss you. you know that because I tell you. everyone knows that because I tell them. but what is it that I miss?
the normal things. the physical things, like hands and eyes and your smile. freckles. thighs. your voice, and how you'd agree when I said you were cute.
you never told me I was beautiful. I wonder why.
I wasn't someone you could picture yourself with long-term. why?
was I ever?
you used to agree that we were well-suited for each other. when did that change? why?
have you ever questioned any of these things?
I don't know how to get over you without a fight. but you don't fight and you don't get angry. you just agree, or stay silent, or say you don't know. how can you not know? what do you know?
Yeah, I miss you. you know that because I tell you. everyone knows that because I tell them. but what is it that I miss?
the normal things. the physical things, like hands and eyes and your smile. freckles. thighs. your voice, and how you'd agree when I said you were cute.
you never told me I was beautiful. I wonder why.
I wasn't someone you could picture yourself with long-term. why?
was I ever?
you used to agree that we were well-suited for each other. when did that change? why?
have you ever questioned any of these things?
I don't know how to get over you without a fight. but you don't fight and you don't get angry. you just agree, or stay silent, or say you don't know. how can you not know? what do you know?
I want to be angry, but I'm not. I just miss you, and I'm sad. I don't know what any of this means to you. I don't know what I mean to you.
hold onto the sadness, because without it, you are gone. I just wanted you to stay.11 September 2010
stasis
I don't know what to say that I haven't already said. I'm so tired today and I'm not sure why. I miss the way it felt to have a full heart. I miss not having this ache in my sternum.
I miss boston and bike rides and laughter and smiles. I miss his fingers. I miss his eyes.
and it doesn't matter.
none of it matters.
I don't want to make plans for an uncertain future. I offer no promises. I feel nothing. I want nothing.
nothing new, anyway.
I miss boston and bike rides and laughter and smiles. I miss his fingers. I miss his eyes.
and it doesn't matter.
none of it matters.
I want to write so I have something to remind me of how I used to feel. I feel neither hopeless nor hopeful. I accept the pointlessness that my life has become. I am working towards nothing. I don't feel for anyone. I don't want anyone. No one new, at least. nothing that is real.
old habits die hard. so when I look at people, I have a brief glimmer of that old predatory me. but I don't act on it anymore. I don't flirt and I don't stare and I don't even smile that much now. I think I used to laugh more. I think my face used to feel less strained.
I don't want to make plans for an uncertain future. I offer no promises. I feel nothing. I want nothing.
nothing new, anyway.
08 September 2010
bleh bleh bleh blaaah
ap·pre·hen·sion
–noun
1.anticipation of adversity or misfortune; suspicion or fear of future trouble or evil.
2.the faculty or act of apprehending, esp. intuitive understanding; perception on a direct and immediate level.
3.acceptance of or receptivity to information without passing judgment on its validity, often without complete comprehension.
Shiny is damned in my mind for giving me hope and then going away. He is damned for leaving me and then leaving me completely. He is damned for not dealing with his shit and the shit he's piled on me.
And I am damned by damning him.
–noun
1.anticipation of adversity or misfortune; suspicion or fear of future trouble or evil.
2.the faculty or act of apprehending, esp. intuitive understanding; perception on a direct and immediate level.
3.acceptance of or receptivity to information without passing judgment on its validity, often without complete comprehension.
intuitive understanding. is that everything that I am? I intuitively know that shit with shiny will never work out. I intuitively know that I am going to be single for a while. I intuitively know that things are going to get bad again. I intuitively know that this will be a lonely winter.
I've been wrong before. It'd be nice to have someone to hold as the snow blows. I'd like to build a fort. I'd like to be in love. but I intuitively know that I'm not ready.Shiny is damned in my mind for giving me hope and then going away. He is damned for leaving me and then leaving me completely. He is damned for not dealing with his shit and the shit he's piled on me.
And I am damned by damning him.
Lately I have been having flashes of comprehension. I get so angry and hurt, and then I realize that the thing I'm missing is those that came before. Ex-otter. I miss him a lot. And I hate him too.
I have never been able to leave and not look back.
people have tried to say that I love conditionally, but it isn't true. When I love someone, they seep into me. They infiltrate every part of my day. I can't do anything without thinking about them. they are what I live for, even when I get angry. everything I do, I want them to do, too.
I want to be empty of all others.
I'm tired of living with these ghosts and half-dreams.
06 September 2010
he's not there
throw myself into nothing.
listen to songs on repeat. anything to feel something more than this. anything to distract me from the confusion. plunge me into pain because that's something familiar.
I miss shiny.
cried tonight, finally. went through my photos from the past few months. until he left me, most of them were of him. I loved photographing beautiful features. so many pictures of his freckles, lips, eyes. the same tight-lipped mona lisa smile in every shot. never got beyond his facade. never got the chance to see who he really was.
how could I be so loyal to someone that kept me so distant?
how can I still be so loyal to him? the only person I've ever been with where I didn't want anyone but him. he was enough. he listened, and tried, and I miss him.
the thought of him being with someone else makes my heart feel like it's being squeezed. I get a little light-headed and I start to have trouble breathing. I don't want to really be with anyone until I can stop feeling that way about him.
this is so stupid, and I know it is, and there's so little that I can do.
I can write, but it doesn't matter.
I could call if I still had his number.
But what would I hope to accomplish, other than re-opening the wound?
I want him back or I want it over but regardless, I want resolution. That's all up to me.
I hate loving someone so much that months after they leave me, I still hope for them to return.
listen to songs on repeat. anything to feel something more than this. anything to distract me from the confusion. plunge me into pain because that's something familiar.
I miss shiny.
cried tonight, finally. went through my photos from the past few months. until he left me, most of them were of him. I loved photographing beautiful features. so many pictures of his freckles, lips, eyes. the same tight-lipped mona lisa smile in every shot. never got beyond his facade. never got the chance to see who he really was.
how could I be so loyal to someone that kept me so distant?
how can I still be so loyal to him? the only person I've ever been with where I didn't want anyone but him. he was enough. he listened, and tried, and I miss him.
the thought of him being with someone else makes my heart feel like it's being squeezed. I get a little light-headed and I start to have trouble breathing. I don't want to really be with anyone until I can stop feeling that way about him.
this is so stupid, and I know it is, and there's so little that I can do.
I can write, but it doesn't matter.
I could call if I still had his number.
But what would I hope to accomplish, other than re-opening the wound?
I want him back or I want it over but regardless, I want resolution. That's all up to me.
I hate loving someone so much that months after they leave me, I still hope for them to return.
05 September 2010
it isn't their fault. they're just following evolutionary imperatives
so confused. not twisted, more like swirled. can't get these feelings to settle. reminded of too many things.
ex-otter, and how he used to be. the way that he left me. shiny, and how his feelings dulled. how he doesn't remember. ex-husband and his dogged silence. buttercup. I still don't understand that.
I like to watch the people that watch me. voyeurism of a voyeur. I like to see who cares enough to keep up. but that's just my definition. different ways for different people. shiny avoids. I oversimplify. or sometimes complicate.
fit
me
into
boxes.
let me be someone that pours into your mold. let me be the things that someone, anyone needs. someone to be desired. someone to want. maybe I'm already there. I've never been good at subtleties, or acknowledging what I don't want to see.
I know. we are not psychic. what I need is not what they can give, and what they need is not known to me. no matter how vocal I am, if a person doesn't have it then they can't give it. I miss shiny's stillness, his comfort, his solidity, his steadfastness, his calm. but I don't know how much of it was real and how much was just something I superimposed my desires onto. I don't know how much is true and how much is just what I wanted to see.
at the bottom of it all, when everything's been washed away, it doesn't matter anymore.
the only consolation I can find in these times is the realization that what they do to me will be done to them.
every pain thrust on me, they will eventually feel.
and if I can one day purge my heart of bitterness, I will be all the better for it.
ex-otter, and how he used to be. the way that he left me. shiny, and how his feelings dulled. how he doesn't remember. ex-husband and his dogged silence. buttercup. I still don't understand that.
I like to watch the people that watch me. voyeurism of a voyeur. I like to see who cares enough to keep up. but that's just my definition. different ways for different people. shiny avoids. I oversimplify. or sometimes complicate.
fit
me
into
boxes.
let me be someone that pours into your mold. let me be the things that someone, anyone needs. someone to be desired. someone to want. maybe I'm already there. I've never been good at subtleties, or acknowledging what I don't want to see.
so many discarded plans.
so many forgotten projects.
I know. we are not psychic. what I need is not what they can give, and what they need is not known to me. no matter how vocal I am, if a person doesn't have it then they can't give it. I miss shiny's stillness, his comfort, his solidity, his steadfastness, his calm. but I don't know how much of it was real and how much was just something I superimposed my desires onto. I don't know how much is true and how much is just what I wanted to see.
at the bottom of it all, when everything's been washed away, it doesn't matter anymore.
I remember seeing him for the first time and how nervous I was.
I remember the soft deepness of his voice. the lilting way he said things. tenderly. but guarded.
always so closed off.
just when I thought we were getting somewhere, he left me.
the only consolation I can find in these times is the realization that what they do to me will be done to them.
every pain thrust on me, they will eventually feel.
and if I can one day purge my heart of bitterness, I will be all the better for it.
I just don't know how to start.
good isn't enough
I know it's ridiculous, but I still look at my visitor information to see if shiny has read this yet. he hasn't. he hasn't read anything since he broke up with me, and I don't think that's fair. I think he should have to know what has been going on. I think he should see the hurt.
but again, the pain I wish on others is pain that will return to me. so why even bother?
I cried today about my mother. it had been a while. found myself wearing almost the exact outfit I wore when she came to visit me. found myself mentioning her in conversation, making people feel awkward. I don't mean to do it. it's just what happens.
I miss her and I wish there was some end in sight. but there isn't. this isn't a break up where maybe one day you can be friends again. this is death and it doesn't change. and it hurts. and people don't know how to handle it. I don't even know how to handle it.
all I know is that I miss her, and I wish shiny hadn't left, or I wish I'd never met him so I could be happily with chick, but I'd feel like a hypocrite to do that because I would be devastated if shiny were dating someone now.
I don't think he is, and it isn't something I can do anything about, but it would hurt.
I want him to stop mattering this way.
I want my mom to be ok.
but really, I guess she's doing better than anyone else I know.
but again, the pain I wish on others is pain that will return to me. so why even bother?
I cried today about my mother. it had been a while. found myself wearing almost the exact outfit I wore when she came to visit me. found myself mentioning her in conversation, making people feel awkward. I don't mean to do it. it's just what happens.
I miss her and I wish there was some end in sight. but there isn't. this isn't a break up where maybe one day you can be friends again. this is death and it doesn't change. and it hurts. and people don't know how to handle it. I don't even know how to handle it.
all I know is that I miss her, and I wish shiny hadn't left, or I wish I'd never met him so I could be happily with chick, but I'd feel like a hypocrite to do that because I would be devastated if shiny were dating someone now.
I don't think he is, and it isn't something I can do anything about, but it would hurt.
I want him to stop mattering this way.
I want my mom to be ok.
but really, I guess she's doing better than anyone else I know.
02 September 2010
the truth
hands are shaking. wish you coulda saved me. I have my days of dealing but every once in a while I just want you so badly. I want you to call me and love me and hold me and smile at me again. I want you to be who I thought you were: the person you were being for me. I wish that person had been real. I wish you were just what you seemed to be.
I don't cry about you anymore. not sure when it stopped completely. I only realized it yesterday when I tried to remember the last time I cried. it feels like it's been a long time. it probably hasn't been.
these days are so long. chick would gladly talk to me every night if I made the effort to call. I don't. I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want someone to take your place.
besides, he reminds me too much of ex-otter. you reminded me of buttercup. but it turns out that wasn't you either. and he went away too, a year ago. haven't heard from him since.
which makes sense, because you weren't.
I don't cry about you anymore. not sure when it stopped completely. I only realized it yesterday when I tried to remember the last time I cried. it feels like it's been a long time. it probably hasn't been.
these days are so long. chick would gladly talk to me every night if I made the effort to call. I don't. I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want someone to take your place.
besides, he reminds me too much of ex-otter. you reminded me of buttercup. but it turns out that wasn't you either. and he went away too, a year ago. haven't heard from him since.
I try I try I try to make sense of this. I almost understand where you're coming from. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you miss us. I miss sleeping beside you. I miss waking up and touching you for comfort. I miss feeling your broad back turned towards me. I miss the way you'd nestle into my arms. I miss your shoulders. I miss your legs, bigger than my head.
I still miss the life I'd had planned out for us. like they say, if it seems too good to be true then it probably is.
which makes sense, because you weren't.
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