Pantssss

I don't know how to interact with you without wanting you. Everything I think about sending to you is creepy and I can't help but think I didn't love you at all; I just wanted you as a part of me. I wanted to have some effect on you because you were such a fantasy to me. I never stopped being confused about your attraction to me. Every communication felt like a compliment. I still can't get over that feeling. I like people that seem like a challenge. Nerds are so much harder to crack because they can have such low self-esteem. Maybe that's what my problem is.
I want to think that you would still find me attractive even though I'm forty pounds heavier than the last time you touched me. It's been a rough four years. Sometimes it feels like I'll never get past this. And never over you or Shiny. I don't know what to do about it but I really wish I could talk to you like a person and not an idol.
I want to be special to you and I don't know why.
Maybe I do love you.
Not that it matters. I still love shiny, too, though his absence always feels more like a betrayal. I wonder what I was to him, too, and if he thinks of me. I wasn't as much to either of these people and I doubt they think of me much, or at least not as much as I think of them. Turns out they took parts of me I haven't been able to regain. My ideal and my kink. I miss having someone as interested in the outdoors and biking as I am. Someone fearless but gentle. Someone better than me at sports, and who initiated such activities. Shiny and I would have been a very healthy and fit family. He had no shame and didn't care what people thought of him. He would do whatever goofy shit I came up with. But I had to lead in those kinds of endeavors. Maybe that would have changed in the future, but he didn't give us a chance to find out.
I never knew why, from their mouths, they left me. I guess that's why I cling to the people that I do. None of them ever gave me a real reason. Logical things are so much easier for me to accept than that maddening grey of conjecture.
I need to know what I did wrong so I can never make that mistake again with someone else.