the art of being buried alive

heart hurts today. got that tight aching. got that "missing him" feeling. got that loneliness.
didn't know a charm could work so well. didn't know til I lost it. I've been losing all kinds of things lately. losing, trying to replace, but it's never the same. oh no. even if it was identical, I'd know. I'd know.
said to my friend, "he won't heal til he deals with me. he just piles other things on top of me so that he can forget. but until he clears me out, he'll never be ok." and I predict his gf will get pregnant. and I predict that they will break up in several years. and I predict it will hurt me the entire time. and I don't want this to happen. I want us to be together again. still. after five months. after the pain, and the ostracization, and everything. I still love him so much and I still feel it ripping my heart with its barbed harpoon. he holds the rope, but he speared the wrong prize.
I am so lonely today.
I want to feel fine when I'm by myself. I want to relish the emptiness of my apartment, of my side, of the area around me. I want to gain strength from it. instead I feel like it's slowly sucking away my life. my heart vomits bile because there's nothing left within it to expel. I cry and my cat licks away my tears. I cry and she doesn't comprehend.

was buzzed last night, riding home. passed a party and saw his friends. stopped by. talked. said, "don't ever defend him when I am around. what he has done to me is inexcusable. no amount of dead brothers can explain this." I lay on my futon mattress, body heavy. wondered how the hell I got where I am. wondered where the hell the rest of me went.

this is a week of maybe-rain. what is constant in my life? school, work, luca. my cat is the only one I trust. would she stay if she had a choice? does she love me just because I'm there, or does she love me for how I treat her and who I am? does this apply to anyone? can this be everyone?

When we first met, he chased me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to find him. the greatest race. the epitomal tortoise and hare. but who's the tortoise? is it still a race when one person stops running?