it still hurts. even with this barrier protecting my chest; it still hurts. all I do is keep it from spreading. keep it central to my sternum. keep it from seeping to my limbs and brain. it aches beneath the silver. I throb.
I mumble to myself. I say things that reassure at the time, but later I can't recall them.
carried luca to bed last night. she put her paws around me. I think what I like is her vulnerability, her total trust, her ability to forgive. when was the last time someone was vulnerable with me? when was the last time I was? I feel discarded and confused. I woke up one day to realize I was on a different street, in a different neighborhood, and everyone I knew was just slightly off.
everything that happens to me feels like a first. how can anyone get over this shit? why is it so hard? he isn't real anymore. he's my fiction. in my brain, I watch movies of his moves. I remember how he used to kiss me. I remember the way he would smell. he wasn't everything to me, but he was close. I needed him. part of me still does. I wonder if he ever needed me?
this could be the breaking point. I want to stabilize. if I make it through the next month without self-destructing then I think I can make it through another. if I live it like that, eventually I can finish the year. and when I do that, another. and this is how my life will be. it is one day to one week to one month to one year to one life lived without him.
I was lonely before he left me. I am lonely now that he is gone; there's just no ready distraction like there used to be. I was lonely then. I am lonely now. How does one cease this? how does one cure loneliness without dependence?
I have a secret.
I want someone to depend on. and I want someone to depend on me.
I want to feel special and singular again. I doubt myself constantly, no matter how self-assured I seem.
when they start treating me like everyone else, that's how I know things are over.
oh god.
I need someone to hold me.
No comments:
Post a Comment