divergence

I said, "I saw his dad on Friday. I cried."
look, this is why. I miss his family, yes. but I still cannot deal with death. If I think too much about his dead brother, then everything surrounding that incident wells up and chokes me. I cannot breathe and I start to feel my heart beat out of sync with the rest of my body. I have to close it off. I have reached my plateau. This is as far as my legs can carry me. Any higher up and my lungs will collapse. I'll spew blood instead of carbon dioxide and my knees will hit rock and I will tumble and tumble and be irretrievable. Do you understand?

Do you know what I'm saying?

I cried, and I said, "I miss you guys so much. No one ever told me what he died from. How did he die?" It was alcohol and methadone. And his dad said, "I don't know what he was thinking." It doesn't matter. He started a chain reaction that has yet to reach its conclusion. It may never get there. This is the alternate reality pushed so far over that the people changed by it most actually notice. Those on the fringe feel a whisper, but those of us in the middle are entirely unsettled. It's like wearing sound-dampening headphones in the middle of an air raid. Those people who are still on the regular path hear nothing. But those of us who have been shifted have had our hearing violently restored. Nothing can deaden that sound. So we are all just dealing, slowly going deaf. I have reached the point where my hands over my ears are enough. But I am not yet ready to face the noise full force.

There is no way to know where I am going. I was pushed off my nice paved path onto one made by deer. It's thin and rambles. I can't see where it's going. But I'm pushing the branches out of my way and finding places to put my feet. Sometimes I glimpse the one that was mine before, but there's always some barrier in the way. It hurts. But I continue. What else will I do? Sit down and weep? Complain? There is no place to go now but forward. There are no other forks in the road.

Yes, I still hurt. I have more ways to ease the pain now. I have my friends. I have my cat. I have a love interest. I don't know where that is going, I don't know what it means. All I know is that he makes me flutter inside. I get light headed when I think about being with him. His laugh brings me joy; his eyes make me smile. Everything feels new again. I am holding myself back and somehow it feels wonderful.

What else can I do? Once upon a time this life wasn't even an option. Now it's all I have, and I'm going to make it goddamn worthwhile.