turning the bike around

I don't know how to say these things without being melancholy. That's how I feel right now, though. Yes, I have been working on being more positive (or at least less negative). Yes, I have been focusing on living my life and making it full. Yes, I have been trying to be happy. I've been succeeding for the most part. There will always be times when I don't. Can't be happy all the time.

I came home exhausted tonight. Sighed through the door, scattering my cat. She trilled at me. I coaxed her into her room, sat on the chair and pet her. I knew that I needed to cry. I knew I was missing ex-otter.
A lot of things still don't feel real. A deaf person came into the library today. I activated her college ID. I spoke directly to her, making eye contact. The man that was with her still had to sign everything, but I knew I would have felt like shit if I'd talked to him like she wasn't there. You know, like she couldn't hear. Even though she couldn't. Her deafness was obviously much more severe than deafgirl's. Ex-otter's deafgirl. I wonder if he signs for her when they go out. I wonder if he misses me.
I don't know who he would be if I saw him now. I'm just learning who I am. Sometimes it still feels too soon to be dating. Sometimes it feels like it's exactly what I need.

Occasionally I hate him. I don't think it's really hate. I think it's a pain so intense I don't know how else to label it. It goes beyond hurt. A part of me still is, and may always be, missing. Wish I could defrag. Stick all the empty space together. Ex-husband took a piece of me too. Never grew back. How much is left to give?
It feels endless. Like the love and the pain aren't even connected all the time. The love can be infinite and unconditional (ex-otter said I loved conditionally .. will I still?), just like the hurt. There's that dead spot inside where the nerves got damaged. Just waiting to see if the numbness is permanent. Wondering how long it will take to find out.

The melancholy has never given me anything but pretty words and sad pictures. The words aren't worth it and the pictures hurt too much. "Why do you want to remember?" Because it's the last piece I have of them. It is strictly mine and no one can take it away. Not even the person who dealt it. Not at first, anyway.

I want to end on a positive note. I want to say that even now, when I am sad and feel lonely, I still have hope for the future. For my future. I love college and learning. I love my job. I love my cat. I love my roommate. I have a bicycle, and Steel, and friends. I get along with my family. I have a family. No one that I know and love is dead. I am not dead. I am alive. It is spring. It is beautiful. I am healthy. I am loved.

Life is fine.