11 May 2009

observation

two greatest loves. two greatest disappointments. both eventually led to betrayal.

and last night they combined; melded into one dream. come back, live with me, share my room, but do not love me. he did not love me. I was a last resort. I was convenient.
the disappointment. my inability to keep any distance. he was distracting. it had been four years. I still love him. I still want to be near him. five months. I still love him. I still want to be with him.

but I don't.

greatest loves; greatest failures. I've had two chances. will I get a third? I'm so young. but the older I get, the less options I have. isn't that true?

I will be ready by fall to see where my feelings are. right now I could get into something without much problem, but I can't really feel. so far it's all just pretending.
is emotion something to be picked up and found?
will I have to grow it all again?

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