Someone wants to have sex with me. He says, "when was the last time you were tested? how many people have you slept with since then?" and I had to think really hard. How many people HAVE I slept with since then?
And I think of the unsafe sex I've been having. I've never been this way before. I've always insisted on condoms in the past. Then I met the ex-otter and he broke me of the habit and suddenly it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. But it is.
Yes, another form of self-destruction within self-destruction. Do I really just not care?
So it took a person in a poly relationship to make me rethink the way I've been acting. I mean, sexually. I'm almost always analyzing everything else that I do; I don't know how sex slipped through the cracks.
I said, "I don't date." I don't want a partner. I don't want to answer to anyone. What is this called? Is this denial? Is this just another form of not dealing?
How do I peel it all away? I dreamt of ex-otter last night. Extensively. And I don't want to anymore. I don't want it.
I loved who he was, not who he is now. How do I reconcile?
How do I move on and really mean it?
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