variations on a theme

I love waking up to his intent gaze. For a moment I see seriousness in his face, but when my eyes open his smile blooms. It is amazing. It always catches me off guard, even when I can feel him watching me before I look.
I never get used to people finding me attractive. I never get used to gazes made in desire rather than disgust. I never get used to the positive attention. I can't. I say I am beautiful but there is always that part inside that says, "no."
I like leaving room for doubt. Beauty is so subjective. I think that I am many things but that doesn't make it true. I think that I am, but I don't know it. Knowledge comes by other means.
I want to make a list of things that I adore about him. In no particular order, here they are:
his laugh
his smile
his eyes and how they crinkle when he's happy
his ability to laugh at himself. and me
how beautifully he plays stringed instruments
his comfort with guitar
his hands
his jaw
his ribs
the little noises he makes when he holds me
his smell
his legs
his chest
the freckle in his ear
our understanding of each other
his self-awareness
his manners
his self-restraint
his intelligence
his teeth
his sincerity
his sense of humour
his taste in music

oh god, so many other things.. so many. I want romance and passion and joy and honesty. I want an open book. I want to understand someone at a base level. I think I'm getting that right now, but it's so easy to feel that early on. I am trying to not be swept away but it's so hard. Our schedules intervene and for that I'm thankful. We are forced into moderation by necessity. In a month, it will be by distance.
I don't think he was made to sit still for too long. He said he loves to tour, and I understand that. I do too. But I don't tour with a band; I tour any way that I can. I think he is devoted. I think he is wonderful.

I don't want to let sad thoughts intercede. I don't want to wait for something bad to happen. I want to just enjoy this as I have it, for as long as it lasts, for as long as that is. I don't even want to think about how long that could be. I just want to be present. I want to be here.

I want to let go.