new shoots

My roommate bought plants this past weekend. We're going to have fresh tomatoes and herbs this summer. I am going to share the rooftop with something living. I plan on spending a lot of time on the roof this summer, staring at the stars and the clouds. Depending, of course, on the time.

It's beautiful out today. Every day has been beautiful lately. Last night Steel told me that he couldn't tell if I didn't understand addiction or if I understood it too well. "Both," I said, and we talked about it.
We talked for a while and he is so gentle to me. He bends but doesn't break. Somehow we fit together. He can feel me in a way I'm not used to. I finally know what I am like in that regard. It's eerie and wonderful.

I am happy today. There is always a hidden twinge inside me that keeps hold of the darkness and pain, but lately all the good has been smothering it. "It's not my problem anymore."
and he said, "you feel things so deeply." Everything effects me. Every mention of death or drug addiction hurts me personally. I am trying to get over that. It is a difficult process. In order to let go of dru, I have to let go of ex-otter. And vice versa. I don't even know where to start. It is a knot that is too tangled to work through systematically. I end up picking at random places until I can get a loose spot. Then I unravel it, slowly, until I reach another impossible spot. Pick, loosen, stop, move, pick, loosen, stop, move. Do you see it? This is not something I can work through with any semblance of order.

I want to embrace uncertainty. It is terrifying to me. but I'm trying, I'm trying.

What if I actually become the person I've always wanted to be?