home when it's not

doubled over. hurts less in a crouch. gut spilling nothing. I am a hollow world, outside with the people walking on my surface. inside more people roam, walking foot to foot with the others. magnets, shuffling feet. magnets, matching. polar opposites. caught in a loop with a person they cannot meet. I am a hollow world. there is nothing real inside of me.
ride with my head down, lights on, hand brakes, pedal pedal faster faster, switch gears, slow down, change lanes, stop. signal to turn with my right arm. signal with my left. on the sidewalk, leg over frame, on the ground with two more steps and I'm home. I am inside. but I will never meet the me that is not.
trying to analyze my feelings. luca reaches to me, puts her paws around my neck and purrs. I am petting her, stroking rhythmically, while she purrs against my chest. she licks my face, exfoliates my cheek. I miss my otter. I cry. luca doesn't care. my roommate doesn't notice. I am alone.
make the water hot, wash away this chill. the empty aching in my chest, just below my sternum. feels like a toothache, that pain that can't be explained. it's dull, constant, almost ignorable but not quite. I think, "I'm not missing a role in my life. I'm missing him." it's him. not the role of partner, it's him BEing my partner. I don't want someone else. why is it like this?
watch the stream cascade off my chin. feet. I say, "he's become an ideal. a fantasy. he isn't and never was the thing I desire. he doesn't exist." I feel better for a couple seconds.
empty empathy. unconscious conscience. where you do want me? I needed this. I needed to feel, but the bear likes me too much. I put his hands on my hips and he stopped me. I was cruel. I am unusual.
I don't know what I need. self-assurance. self-reliance. the ability to be happy with being alone. I want to cut into my chest and remove the dead parts. I want to let it all grow back again.
I want to have never met him.