this time, this year

Today my therapist looked back in her notes to find out what went on with me this time last year. After several years of listening to me, she knows my patterns. She knows this is ten years since my suicide attempt and almost a year since AJ died. She remembered; she asked. I wonder if any one else I know would make those connections. I wonder if anyone can care independent of my reminders.
These are the things I frequently wonder. Who will love me? Who can care? Ex-husband was the only one who could remember these things. Four years! It still gets me sad when I talk about it. I feel like I failed.

Winter is coming. I am trying to cleanse my life of the emotional detritus I've accumulated this year. Much of it is tied up in people; people like Con and gij and wizard and vew and Pants. People that pretend to be there, then disappear. I am not a convenience. I am not here to use and then forget.
The rejections build upon themselves like calcium deposits. The time passes; pressure mounts. Where is the pearl in the center of all this? When I finally open my shell, will there be anything to show for all this irritation?

I am so tired. I want to relax. "Why don't you do something like you did last winter? You really enjoyed working on the farm." I say yes, but no. Maybe a new place. Somewhere warm, but not where I wanted to die. Somewhere without memory.
I have enough now; no need to revisit.