let what be?

The Beard was everything I wanted. You know. On paper.
Leo, vegan, bicyclist, bearded, 29, hairy, fit, sarcastic but not scathing, adventurous. We'd both been to an industrial part of China and felt similarly negative about it (unlike Wizard, who had been to a residential area and loved it). We met online, agreed to meet. We chatted, then I went to work. I was buzzing. He was great. He loved cats, had an awesome apartment with 2 other people, and seemed gentle and grounded. And he was honest, so honest.
That evening he sent me a text saying he was restless and wanted to get a beer. Lucky me, I was already in a bar and had wanted to invite him but (for once) didn't want to seem too forward. He came. We talked. It was awesome.
He walked me home and I invited him in to meet my cat. We played with her. There was a little flirty stuff going on. We started cuddling, then making out, then grinding. He picked me up and I wrapped my feet around his sexy bicyclist calves and watched us in the mirror. I couldn't believe this was happening. He was fantastic.
We said sweet things to each other. I walked him out. "You're exciting," I told him. "You are too," he replied. Smile. "When can I see you again?" I asked shyly, again trying to not be forward. "Definitely before Saturday." It was Wednesday.
Friday came. I had been sending him some texts in the meantime and he responded. We met for burritos on Friday. Then we went to a puppet show. He was completely different than previously. It was as though someone had turned a switch and now I got to see the cold, detached side of him.
The evening went on. We visited a playground. We talked. I cried and cried and cried. "I know how I present myself, but I'm actually heartless."
"I just wanted friendship."
"I should take down that profile, I don't even know why I have it up."
"You don't even know who I am. I have those attributes you want, but that doesn't make up me."
And I say: "Why the fuck are you on a dating website if you don't want to date?"
and "I am so fucking sick of this happening."

Then there's conflicting info from a friend about how the Beard had been looking for someone to date and etc etc etc and it doesn't matter.
It doesn't fucking matter.

What matters is that I am still thinking about him, weeks after the fact, after only having been around him 3 times. My roommate says, "some people stick with you." "But I only hung out with him 3 times!" "Maybe that's why."
And I think about Wizard.
And I wonder where everyone has gone that I once loved.
And sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me, and sometimes I wonder what's wrong with everyone else.
And I had a bad week so I cut out everyone. I cut out all the extraneous people. I cut them out and I stopped trying to look like someone I'm not. And now I feel a little lost. And now I miss the Beard; the Beard I don't even know.
I wonder how Wizard is. I wonder if he misses me like I miss him. I think he's cold too. I think he's as dead inside as Pants is.
There are all these little threads of people in my life that I keep picking at. Just when I'm convinced I've ripped them all out, I find another one. It isn't over; it's never over; it will never be over. This will pass, then that will pass, then the next thing passes too.
How is it that nothing lasts, but at the same time nothing ends?

I still fall in love with everyone.

I think that is one of those strength/weakness things.