it's not just autumn anymore

I am so fucking lonely, and I hate it.
That is an obvious statement. Who likes being alone? I don't feel desperate; I feel despondent. I want attention. I don't know how to get it.
I throw myself at people like it's gonna make them want me. It doesn't. I don't know how to relax. I don't know how to live without pushing. I don't know how to interact.
This is all so new to me. When I was younger, people liked an assertive/aggressive female-bodied person. Now that I'm older, it seems that I'm to sit back and let the people come to me. But I can't do that. I see what I want and I make moves to take it. This is how my world works. See, want, achieve. But for the past months it's more like see, want, fail.
How do I fall?
I am slow motion tumbling, gathering dust and leaves in my hair. I am comically flailing, trying to stop my descent. I feel the pain moments before it hits. It spreads, pinpointing the most sensitive areas. When I finally reach bottom, I am scraped, bruised, and bleeding. I cannot stop myself from falling; I have to let it run its natural course. I have to wait it out so the wounds can heal and I can fall again.
But that's not how it goes. I don't learn. I keep throwing myself over the edge and then act surprised when I can't stop. I can't fly. I am not invincible. Nothing is there to catch. No one will grab my hand. There is nothing soft to land on. There are rocks, and trees, and ragged ground. There is life, and reality, and death.

Repeat after me.
I have no control over the actions of others.
I have no control over the desires of others.
I have no control over the thoughts of others.
I have no control over the needs of others.
I have no control over other people.
I have no control.
I have no control.
I have no control.

On the flip-side, this also means no one can control me.