Another year almost gone. Feels like I spent half of it out of my mind. Feels like I spent half of it trying to catch up to last year.
Every year I say that I'll make this one better than the last. Every birthday I promise myself that I can start over. I try to grab so many opportunities to make immediate change. I am trying to remember how I felt when I got back from Florida in January. A friend met me with food at the train station. We took a cab to my house. I felt serene and I spoke of these changes. It was premature enlightenment. Am I going to make it through this winter? My second one alone. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
I think of last christmas. Desolation, emptiness, dozens of drawings, hours of loneliness. I think of all the self-help books I stole to try to get ex-otter back. I remember being in the gorgeous Florida sun on a beautiful farm. And I remember how strange it felt to have that warmth and beauty around me as I screamed my pain into the grass when I found out about ex-otter and deafgirl.
Tree. Suicide fear. Calling my mom. Sobbing uncontrollably. Calling my insurance agency to make sure hospitalization for suicide watch would be covered. I have done so many things to try to get over these feelings and actions. Letters that I folded into phoenixes and burnt; drawings that I burnt; words that I ripped up; phone calls; more therapy; more medication; sex; celibacy; a fling of a relationship; movies; meditation; rose quartz; acupuncture; talking; not talking; sad songs; happy songs; hitchhiking; reconnecting; disconnecting; dancing; sleeping; laughing; crying; new friends; old friends; speaking to the dead; ignoring the dead; worry dolls; visualization; reiki; trash talk; well-wishing; panic attacks; anxiety attacks; creating new memories by visiting places we used to go; ignoring old memories by avoiding the places we used to go; hanging with your friends; avoiding your friends; asking about you; asking people not to talk about you; new crushes; old crushes; and more and more and more. What have I not tried? What else can I possibly do to rid my life of you?
I am entering the dark season. The shorter the day, the more depressed I become. Our last memories feel so strained, with the one burst of joy in Oregon being tinged by death. I wish I'd taken more care with my words. I wish you'd been more aware. It's too late now. Can I use this knowledge for the future? Can I not make these mistakes again?
I am so scared of who I have become. Have I ever known myself? How can I continue to strip away my defenses, but remain hardened to the discomfort of others? I have realized that the majority of people are not prepared to hear what goes on in my head. I have realized that most people aren't even honest enough to admit what is going on in their own heads.
I suppose the hardest lesson has been realizing that people don't want me. Also, that I am not independent. I need people. I need to be around them, and love them, and loved by them. I don't like being alone. I need to share myself with someone, and I want that returned. Yet, I have to get used to being alone. It's been months. Why is this so hard to learn?
I don't want to be cold, and hard, and distant. I want to be warm, and loving, and peaceful. I want to connect.
But it's so hard for me to trust motives because most of the time I don't think people are even aware that they have them.
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