who decides where the train tracks lay?

Therapist wants to see me twice next week. she says "this time of year," or "this week" or something. This time last year I was in Eugene, OR with ex-otter. There was no Halloween last year. There was a bar and me silently watching as ex-otter and his cousin screamed at the sky. His cousin threw up by the railroad tracks. I got high for the first time that night. Or was it the night before? Details fade, but the general memory does not.
I loved Eugene. We went to the hot springs in the mountain and sat naked in the water. I'd never done that before. He has pictures of me, of all of us individually, sitting naked at the bottom of a waterfall. I wonder what he did with all those pictures. I wonder if he's thinking about me. I wonder if he hates me the way that I hate him. I don't think so. He has no reason.

I don't know where to go with this melancholy. Finally told my therapist that I've been suicidal for the past couple weeks. She asked if I needed to go to the hospital. No. I can keep myself safe.
I told her that I think my "relationship" with Pants may not have long-term potential because he's allergic to cats. She said, "Luca comes first." And I said, "Yes. She is always there for me. She isn't moody. She forgives me instantly. She loves me. She's affectionate with me. She has never emotionally hurt me. I love her." I said I want a monogamous relationship. I don't want to tell Pants that because he might stop seeing me. She said maybe seeing him could be good for me, because I am not in control. I might learn something.

I think I am clinging still to old habits, old ideas, old me. How do I let go?
What if I fall in love?

What if he falls in love with me?