fore-overshadowing, or, the lives we left behind

Since ex-otter left me, I have been spending more time on okcupid. Probably more time than I've ever spent on it before, and I have had an account there for five years. Today I wrote to someone and they mentioned that they know deafgirl. "Not THAT deafgirl, right?" The one and only. and he said something like, "I know the history."
No, you know HER history. You know HIS history. You do not know MY history. So I cut that thread, explaining that I have been trying to purge my life of those two people.
Though the experience has stayed with me for the day, it has been overshadowed by the urinary tract infection I currently have. Probably from swimming in the dirty waters of RI. How much more affected would I have been had I not had physical discomfort to distract me?

The emotional pain was bad, much worse, when I was traveling. Now I am home and I am tired. I'm tired of the heart ache, the longing, the sense of betrayal and abandonment. A couple nights ago I dreamt that ex-otter called me by the wrong name and then refused to use gender neutral pronouns because he said I now dressed too girly. Honestly, it sounds more like something my ex-husband would do/has done. I am angry and hurt by his treatment of me. Him and friends who have left me too, with no warning or explanation. But, I suppose it's not part of the contract that they tell me why they leave.

I think my ex-husband or his girlfriend have been reading this. There's a reader from Fresno, CA. If one of them is, why not just contact me? If you're so completely done with me, why bother checking up on me? You know my email address. Just write. I want to be friends.

So tired.

I am reaching the beginning of the end, I think. I am sick of seeking outside affirmation. I have begun to relish the time I have alone; at least when I'm not sick. These habits are so hard to break. Tell myself to stop flirting, but I do anyway. It's ingrained. Getting better, but ingrained. I have to teach myself a whole new way of looking at people, looking at myself, and looking at how I live. I've already made progress in being less judgmental and more aware of my moods. I am not perfection.

Lately I have been scared of being alone. As I further heal, I think that fear will dissipate. For now, however, it sickens my heart. Have I blown too many chances? Or have I been the ever-willing tugboat, moving partners to better places?

Gij spoke of over-thinking. Hyper-awareness. I am there too, though differently. I want to accept things as they are, rather than wonder why they aren't how I expected them to be. I don't know how to learn that behavior. Or how to change years of negativity. I get mad that people expect I am the same as I ever was, and yet I myself expect that from the world around me.
I am so tired, so tired, just crashing. Ready to stop this train. Ready to cease the self-pity. I just want to be content, and leave it at that.