It's ten years later, and I'm listening to who that band is now. I could listen to their old music back to back with their new; can I do that with myself too? Can I compare who I used to be then to who I am now? Ask me to draw a picture ten years ago of who I would be today, and this isn't it. I think I would have been happier with who I am now than who I imagined I might be. I didn't think I would live past 20. Does anyone? I tried to see the future and it was blank. This is what blank becomes.
I write my history on my blankness until I can recite them like fairy tales. Old fairy tales, where the wolf rapes little red. The princess becomes a single mom. Prince charming ends up being just like every other dick in the world. Every lesson is learned the hardest way, despite every piece of advice given. I look back and isn't it obvious? Why didn't I listen to what people told me? I try to listen now; do I succeed?
Blank person turns into me. This is the future I couldn't see. Who will I be in 10 years? Should I bother trying to predict it?
Things I'd want: fulfilling relationship. fulfilling job. volunteer work. love love love.
I am ok with this.
I keep thinking about wizard. He came back for the night. His flight was delayed. "How not to start a relationship," I think is what I said in a recent entry here. We stayed up all night and I drove him to the airport at 4 am, using a borrowed car. I missed him for the few days we were apart. Seeing him again has made it worse and I am a little confused. I have fallen out of words. I don't know what to write. I want more of him and I don't know what to do. He said, "since I quit cigarettes and drinking," and I wonder if it was mentioned for my benefit. I said, "we could get in so much trouble together." He's in Florida. Nice one, scuffy.
Dear world,
There is something I want to tell you. I want to teach you about the love that I have had and all the ruin it has brought me. I want to tell you how terrifying it is to know that someone else is depending on the words you give them. To love someone is to be completely vulnerable. If I call this person, will they call me back? Will they do the things they say they will? Can I trust them not to hurt me? Can they trust me not to hurt them? To love someone is to try to catch a soap bubble. It's possible if done the right way, but it's so much easier to fuck it up.
I have burst so many bubbles that I'm starting to doubt my ability. "I think I should feel more upset about these people not talking to me." My therapist replies, "maybe you're growing up."
World, I am done with the non-communicators and drama-mongers. I am tired of those that cannot express their needs. Oh yes, love is blind. But eventually sight is restored and something more is needed.
I need a misfit who could do everything for me but won't. Someone who's kinky but respectful. A great smile. Beautiful eyes. Appreciation of sci-fi and comics. I need someone who will call me out and talk to me about it, and encourage me to call them out as well. Someone efficient, intelligent, curious, creative, funny, strong, active, supportive, empathetic. Someone who believes that people are connected. I don't want to be jealous. I'm getting better. I want someone who rides bikes and loves cats and reads and watches dorky shows like x-files and star trek. I want someone who can spell. I want someone who loves androgyny and refers to me with gender neutral pronouns. I want someone to help me buzz my head. I want someone to grow with me. Someone to change with me. Someone to learn with me.
I want to be an "us."
Yes. I am growing up.
Dear world,
Please help me.
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