footpath to redemption

Who even misses me these days?

Is there anyone left that I haven't somehow hurt or turned away? Is these anyone now that hasn't somehow torn me? I thought I was different than I used to be, but the more I see these relationship fall away, the more I realize all my old habits are just better hidden now.
I still react poorly and selfishly. I still become self-destructive. I still get offended as though someone was personally attacking me, instead of them just living the way they know how to. In fact, I think it's been getting worse lately. Not worse than it was before December, though. At least I have that.

Words and [para]phrases that have been used to describe me recently:
demanding
selfish
my feelings are more important than those of others
illogical
unfair
passive-aggressive
I act like I'm owed something
unpredictable
confrontational
moody

I wish I could deny any of these things, but they all have merit in some way. All of these are traits I have been trying to counteract -- at least the ones of which I was aware. I am glad I've had a rash of people actually telling me what they think, painful as it is. It's what I've been seeking. It would just be nice if they'd tell me when it was constructive, rather than well after the fact.

I mean, it's still constructive for ME, but not for the relationship that has been left behind. Relationship means, "friendship" or "partner" or any interaction with someone else. I want to like myself. I want to be someone I would trust and love, and do trust and love. I have so much work to do until then. I want to remember how to breathe, and how to think without anger. How to respond without reacting. I fucked up again last night and it would be so nice to not feel like time spent with someone was a waste. I woke up this morning thinking about him, and it really annoyed me. I can't back-track. Sometimes, plain and simple, I'm a jerk.

When I was dating Buttercup, I said, "I want to care about someone more than I care about myself." To an extent that is still true. I want to care about someone as much as I care about myself. I want to trust someone, and love them, and be with them. I want to immediately think about my possible responses. How do I slow myself down? How do I keep from reacting?
I don't know. Is this the story of my life, or just background? There are people I miss that are completely cut off from me. I know it's not entirely my fault, but clearly something more could have been done on my side.

Why can't I just let go?
I don't really want to control every thing. So why don't I act like that?

So sick of being scared.