oh no, contradiction

I liked me better when I was guarding my heart. There's a hole there and I'm trying to fill it with meaningless things that only hurt more when they've passed. It is good for me to be alone and I'd like to remember that. I don't know what to do with myself right now. "You'll be fine in a week." I don't want to be that kind of fine. I don't want to chase after someone who is across the country. I don't want to want someone who isn't here at all. I am doing this "not initiating contact" thing, but rarely does it work for me. Neither does obsessing and contacting the person so much that everything gets fucked, though.
I have entered self-destruct mode because it's how I deal with heart ache. I am in love with a fantasy. I want to want to be alone. I want for this to pass.
I miss wizard. I want to call him. I want to force him to say that he doesn't want me. But he's dealing with things bigger than me, just as I will soon be dealing with things bigger than this. If I can wait one more week and see how I feel, then maybe I can open up some dialogue. I am impatient. I am being dramatic. I hate this side of me.
I miss reciprocated emotion. I need to break out of this desire.
I don't know what else to say. I don't want to say anything else. My head aches and I just want to forget who I am and the things I have done to get me to this place.