[dis]orientation, or back to it

I know I lost you a long time ago; far before you ever left me. Lost you in a dream that wasn't really mine. You didn't need me like I needed you. Now it's over and you're gone, and I don't think I really love you any more.

People are saying to me that they have the old scuffy back. What is that? I don't feel like I've ever been just one thing. That's the problem. You can't go back to what isn't there. And I don't want to go back. It obviously wasn't working for me. So who am I now?

I dreamed of validation, assertion, certainty. Lately my life has been giving me small fistfuls of support. Strangers tell me that I am beautiful. My review at work was only favorable. Two raises while I was gone. I am buoyed by this for a little bit. Then down I sink again, wondering why I can't be good enough for my own standards. Why can't I be good enough for the people that I want?
There is self-doubt, yes. There is always the desire to be someone and something that I am not. When can I finally be content with what I have? When will it ever be enough? Am I going to spend my entire life playing catch up to some unattainable ideal? What about the people around me? Who can possibly live up to my standards?

People find me and I let them go.
I find someone and they leave me.
How do I satisfy myself with loneliness?
How do I come to terms with it?

How can I love without dependence?
Is it wrong to depend on someone?

I do remember this formula. It has never brought me peace. How can I discard that which has only ever hurt me?

How can I rid myself of all this love?