Some things you never get over. Some things just stay. I said to my roommate tonight, "I don't feel like everything is just a bad dream anymore." She said, "well that's good!"
"It's been nine months," I said. "Sometimes you just wonder 'when will I be over this?'" she said.
Time still doesn't move, but it isn't because it's standing still. It's more like trying to walk up the down escalator. If you match your pace perfectly, you stay in the same place. You are moving, yes, but not getting anywhere.
"I'm done with casual sex." "Good for you!" high five.
Can I tell you that right now I want to cry? Maybe I will just a little.
Can I tell you a story? I used to ask that all the time.
I'd be the drop in your bucket if you'd pad it for me, baby. I'd be just another one in the crowd if it added to your life. I don't talk about anyone anymore. None of it really matters. I've stepped outside of the games I used to run in circles around. I have left and been left and also had mutual abandonment. I am beyond this disruption. "I don't have time in my life for people like that." It's true. What's the use in explaining myself to someone who doesn't communicate? You tell me, but wait. You can't. Because you won't talk.
Sometimes I get bitter just because I'm lonely. I get sad but I know it will pass. It's these small times, when I feel the escalator humming, that keep me moving. Because someday something will change and I will finally get to where I'm going.
Look, there may never be someone that fits me. I have realized that many people would be happy to be with me. But I need more than just settling. This past week with wizard reminded me that there are still people out there that mesh with me. I can be understanding. I keep feeling my habits trying to get me to be very melancholy. Then I wonder, "why do I want to do that to myself?"
I don't.
I had such a good time with him. New people bring me hope. These experiences mean so much to me.
Hell, they kind of already are.
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