the dreams that drag us down? I'm resurfacing

Maybe it's time I write a little about where I went and what I did. Maybe I should give a blow by blow of every ride and every couch, bed, and floor on which I slept. Maybe I could talk about the people I met, the conversations we had, and the life wisdom I have now accrued. But I say fuck that. You want to know what happened? Let me tell you.

I traveled nearly two thousand miles just to realize that Providence is home. I traveled to realize that my oldest friend isn't really that great for me. I traveled to be disappointed, to realign, to figure out what matters (and I still don't really know and I'm not convinced I ever will). I traveled and figured out a little more about what I need in a partner, what I need in my life, and what I want from where I eventually end up. I traveled to realize that a best fried is more than just phone calls and empathy. I discovered that I can be comfortable being alone. Casual sex is too casual for me now. People miss me when I'm gone. I love Steel despite the fact that we're not going to be together. I don't want to be with ex-otter; I miss him in ways that aren't necessary. I miss him like a shadow, not like a person.

Bones said to me, "I don't believe in psychic energy but I think it would be good for you if you got rid of that stuff" (meaning dru's TV, fan, and mirror that his brother had given me well before dru died). I hung out with ex-otter's old roommate last night and he said, "why don't you get the car towed?" And it's true. You know, I've been reverting to old habits. It's like I expect someone else to do everything for me. More than that, though, I've just been holding onto these things that keep his ghost around me. I think that's why I took all the extraneous things off of my bike. I think I wanted to make it different from how it was when he gave it to me. When the winter comes around again, it will go back to how it was when he dumped me. It will go back to his ghost and I will have to deal with that again. How long will this take?

This has been the longest process in my life. I am searching for someone that doesn't exist. I think I'm ready to fall in love, but I'm not. I want to feel complete in myself. I want to not want someone; I want it to come to me like it has in the past. Like Steel came to me. When I wasn't looking.

I want to view people as people, not potentials. I am frightened to flirt. I want people to want me because of who I am, not because of how I look.
I went away to get away but instead I was more immersed than ever. It was coming home that provided the release.
I can see the differences that have left. I can see the ones that have stayed. I still have habits that I want to deny, but can't. There are things about me I'd still like to change. Things I may always want to change. "I like the new Scuffy," but how well did you really know me before? I long for closeness. I want something real that I can hold onto in dark times. I want to be that person too.

Who are my friends and who are those that just happen to be there? Who counts me among the ones they love? Who would call me in a time of crisis? Who needs me? Whose list has my name on it as people to contact when they die?

Do you want to know how I'm doing, or do you just ask to pass the time? How was my trip?

Let's keep it short. It was nothing like I expected.