you know exactly what I mean.

I don't want to see you and I don't want you to know where I am. I don't want you to know how I'm doing because I know every thing you say you feel is artificial. You are a fake. Every comment you make is a lie. You have told the truth so few times even you can't find it now. Did your brother's death make that easier? Did fucking me over hide yourself more? Did betraying me and turning into someone else grease the path to your destruction? Do you want to die?

I hold onto this for far too long. There is still an open window inside of me and I can't figure out how to shut it. The wind and rain blow through me. I am rotten. I am moldy. Parts of me are decayed. I have you to thank for forgetting. I have your ignorance and pride and selfishness. And me. Of course, I always have myself and all the little parts I played.

Do you dream about me? Do you wonder if I'm happy? I bet you don't. Is this unfair of me? In some ways, yes. Is it unfair of you to have done what you have done? Unequivocally. I destroy you with words when people defend any action you have ever made. I hope you lost your house. I hope you are digging a pit so far down you can't see the sky anymore.

I have only venom for those that hurt me. How can I trust anyone when so many people have left and betrayed me? How can I even move? How do I feel anything?

And you knew. You knew. I was with you through everything and to you it was still ok to desert me. I will never understand.

I said to buttercup, "I have to keep reminding myself that this happens everywhere, everyday. I am not alone. Much worse is happening even now." Yeah. It's true. Sometimes that makes me feel better. It calms me down. But it doesn't take the past away. I don't know what closure is.

Today, I hate you. I hate you because I miss you, and I hate that I have a reason to miss you. I hate that there is any reason at all for me to want you. But I do.

"Do you ever just hate yourself?" and Steel says, "no." "Have you ever wanted to kill yourself?" and Steel says, "no." He wants to know where these questions come from. I mean, he wants to know the story behind them. But I don't tell.
I don't think we have long term potential. What it's doing for me right now is refining what I think I need from a partner. He isn't it, but he's helping me figure it out. I don't love him. I am not convinced I ever will. At least not like a partner loves a partner. I could love him like a friend. I don't want to talk about the future.

Still looking for some kind of escape. Still looking for a way to dull this. Still looking for your face in every crowd and fearing that I may see it. Still waiting every day to hear from you. Still missing your voice and face and hands. I hate you. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I can not forgive you. You have done nothing to show that you even care.

Steel and I agreed that when people fuck up, it's what they do to make amends that matters. Ex-otter has done nothing. Ex-otter is shit. I am so angry. I am so sad. I am so jaded. I am so bitter. I hate and hate and hate

and it makes me hate myself.

I can't find the words to make you understand.

Most of the time I think you've spent your entire life pretending not to know the things you know by heart.