I despise loving you

I miss you, you fucking asshole.

Finally got you knocked loose from the forefront of my brain. You're in middle ground now, taking every opportunity to spring forward. Back the fuck up, baby. Go the fuck away.
I notice all the things I've changed about myself, partly because of the problems we had. But you know what? You're goddamn infuriating. I find myself thinking, "oh, maybe deafgirl is changing him for me. maybe steel is changing me for him." No. Fuck that. It's bullshit. I am where I am right now, and that is all. There is no future us. We have no divine destiny to meet in each other's arms, or at the end of each other's lives, or at any time, ever. You are dead. You let your brother kill you.

I hate everything that happened in regards to you and me and dru. I love being with steel, even if it's not all 100%. In fact, last night I dreamt I went to a party, got drunk, and had sex with some people. I was debating not even telling steel. I mean, how serious are we anyway? That was my logic in the dream. In real life? I would not think that way or act that way. If I cheat, I at least do it sober. I take responsibility. And I'm not a goddamn cheater.

Unlike some ex-otters I know.

Oh no, you didn't cheat on me physically. But you know what you did, you goddamn piece of shit. I want to destroy your name. I want everyone to know how badly you hurt me and how unnecessary it was. However, it's not some kind of cosmic event. People fuck each other over every day. People are hurt much worse than I am every day. Someday that will be you, hurting more than me. But the fact remains: in terms of human history, this was nothing new.

It was just unexpected. I remember your mom saying, "I know him well enough to know he wouldn't break up with you without talking about it with you first." HA! Man, was she wrong!

People, especially your family, have been wrong about a lot of things. Wrong about dru. Wrong about you. You have been such a disappointment. You don't know nearly as much as you think, or as deeply, or as well. You're a little boy trapped in a man's body stuck in a life that you're trying to convince yourself you like. You had such potential. You had such a beautiful brain. You were so creative. Why are you wasting it? Why are you with someone "easy," "comfortable," and "not-challenging?" Am I being judgemental? Do you recognize yet that you are also a selfish, judgemental, self-serving, asshole? Probably not. You have a remarkably poor sense of who you are. It always surprised me how little you actually know about yourself. You are so full of shit.

The anger stage of grieving. I hate this one but, other than acceptance, it's the best one. It's me not wanting you. I like how that feels.

If I could feel nothing for you, I would. Believe me, it would be a relief.