learning to be nike

He loved Iron and Wine but I wouldn't listen to them. I regret that now, like I regret so many ways I acted when we were together.
There's a book at home that I sent to him. He never read it. I underlined passages and made notes about us, foolishly thinking at the time that it would help bring him back to me. He closed himself off so tightly when his brother died. At least he did to me. It hurt. Everything was painful. I don't understand anything.

I love him. I still love him. To me love has never been something that just goes away. It is a connection that is never severed, just sometimes it gets faint enough to mostly forget. It turns into other things. I miss him. I miss us. That's what it comes down to, doesn't it? There were shitty times. The good parts were so much better than the others were bad, though.

I say I know he's not coming back, but that isn't true.
I don't want to have this hope inside of me, but I cannot kill it. I think the reason I make myself think about deafgirl is so that my hope will die. How can I do this? Do I have to see him? What the fuck do I do? I'm not ready. It's been seven months. I am not ready, still.

I am not tortured like I used to be. Just tired. I want it to be over, but it feels too unreal to ever end. How can something that isn't real go away? By definition, isn't it already gone?

I have to remember that no matter how much I change, it doesn't change him. I have to remember that he is someone else now, not the person I met two years ago. I have to remember .. he isn't .. he ...

Sometimes I forget how sore my heart is. Sometimes the breathing comes naturally. Sometimes I can live in the moment and when I laugh, I feel it. For a short period of time the world is beautiful again and I am radiant and the people around me are amazing and I just want to breathe in everything and not let it go. I want to touch the world and remember every sensation.
But it passes. I have this memory of joy, but it fades. I have lost so much love in my life. I have given so much of myself away. What do I have in return? Other peoples' scars? I can't imagine being in love again. Not like I have been before.

There is a love that is knowing. The security of a future with someone, knowing they won't leave you, believing they won't leave you. Deep inside knowing things about them that you don't know you know. There is an inner core of knowledge that we don't get to touch; yet it seeps throughout the body. I knew. I knew, and then I found out everything was wrong.

Don't know where I'm walking sometimes. I am lost. There is no ground beneath me. How can I be walking with nothing beneath my feet? This is where he left me when he left me. Oh, and he never looked back. That's what hurts the most.

I hate him too.

I am fine. I find myself sometimes. Mountain tops and tall places where people wait for me. This is terrifying but what else am I going to do? Let's go, let's walk, let's keep going until I can't move anymore. Solid footing or air, at some point it's all the same anyway.

Every path can lead anywhere. It just depends on your destination. Me? I don't think I have one.