the groundhog way

May 18th was the first mention I made of Steel. Here, at least. I remember being very excited about actually having a genuine crush on someone. It was really only the second one since ex-otter left me. The other was Nik, and a disaster.
That leaves, what? A month and a quarter? The last time I had a "relationship" with someone that was so short, I think I was still in high school. Age 15.
It has become clearer to me than ever that I cannot do this. Especially not with Steel. Possibly not with men at all.
Once upon a time, a month ago, I made a list of the things I liked about him. I gushed and was sooo happy and optimistic; kind of like I'd never been before. People creeped out by my joy should be happy to know that I am back to who I used to be. Want to know what really bothered me about him? Understand I am entirely serious when I say this. An explanation will follow.

I hate the way he eats.

Yes, I don't like that he eats meat, but that's not what I'm talking about. He chews with his mouth open. It is disgusting. I couldn't look at him when we would eat together. Whenever I could, I would turn from him and get as far away as possible. The sound of open-mouthed chewing absolutely repulses me. Once we were eating food at my house and I got so anxious sitting there with him. We were in the kitchen and I just turned away as well as I could to avoid hearing him. I hated it. I talked to my therapist about how to deal with this, tried to be subtle with him once, asked friends for advice ... but I didn't want to bring it up to him because of the whole "control" thing.
I mentioned my eating disorder once but never went into detail. It encompasses several things: the act of me eating (as in the acquisition of food), people being around me when I eat (depending on the person, food, place, and my mood that day, I might not let people be around me at all), and how the people around me eat. I absolutely can't deal with loud chewers unless there is enough noise around us (like music) to distract me from the sound. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. I am embarrassed to admit this. I had a problem eating with Buttercup, too, because of this. But I was more comfortable talking to him about it.
I think, too, it just seems polite to me. Close your mouth when you chew. See? It sounds so petty and yet it is a major problem for me. If I can't stand the way someone eats, I don't want to be around them. I should remember this in the future. Eat first, date later.

I feel better for having said all that. I feel reasonably safe that, now things are over, he won't read this. Not that it would matter if he did because things are over. I can't imagine he'd let himself care enough to actually pursue me. That would require an admission of emotion on his part. He might have to acknowledge his feelings.

Yeah. I'm bitter. I think I have earned it.