forcing the issue

This morning as I rode my bike to school, I found myself thinking my usual hurtful thoughts regarding ex-otter and deafgirl. One of my therapists once told me that it is exhausting to keep up negative thinking. It's true. It really is. So I started a small experiment, trying to tell myself that I hope he heals. But when I came to deafgirl, I found myself thinking that I hope she hurts.
Well, first I thought that I hope she dies.
But I don't think I meant it.
I hope he heals, I hope he gets what he needs, I hope he can move on eventually and realize she isn't it. I hope I can move on eventually and realize it doesn't matter anymore. I hope deafgirl goes away. I hope she realizes how shitty she is. I hope she makes moves to correct that, and I hope one of those moves involves apologizing. But I won't get that. I think I already know.
It's all about context, right?
I don't fit in anymore.
Look, this is what hurts: I had a dream and it was taken from me. I can pinpoint the people that helped. One of them is dead. The other one is deaf. Strange how just one letter separates the two. And what about ex-otter? What about me? Yeah, we're the obvious players. Of course we wrought our own demise; but remember, there was a lot of help.

So now I look for love in other places. I find cocks and cunts and whatever I can get my hands on. I tried this relationship thing, and I'm just not ready for that kind of seriousness. I care about Steel, he cares about me, but ... you know. You know.

At this point and time there is nothing left for me to do but deal. And wait.

I will learn the art of patience.