grieving process

I don't want to feel conflicted and I don't want to look for him. With all his trails, he could have totally disappeared. There is nothing to tie me to him that cannot be ignored. Easily.
I hate him so much sometimes.
I hate this trauma and I hate myself. I hate every thing that I have ever done. I can feel nothing in the center of myself, and I hate that too.
I still have dramatic, imaginary conversations with him. I have to interrupt that process though. It doesn't lead anywhere. It isn't happening and it isn't going to happen and I'm pretty sure most of the things I say in my head aren't true.

This is what it comes down to: I hurt. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want to talk to anyone but my therapist about it. I try sometimes, but never go as far as I feel. I'm not sure what to say, anyway. I feel left behind. betrayed. empty. I miss him. Still. It's June. He left me in December. That seems so long ago, but I remember January clearly.

I stood alone on the top of that pavilion in Florida as 2008 turned to 2009. I in my ludicrous dress, trying to call him over and over again. He became someone else and I was still clinging desperately to the person I loved. The person that, once upon a time, would have answered.
I remember crying as I watched the fireworks coming from six different directions (or was it eight?). I remember all my little rituals, the things I said because it felt right, the patterns I walked, the words I whispered. Tears I shed. None of it did anything. I wonder how delusional I am.

He doesn't fucking know what heart break is. I hope he learns. I hope he learns and I get to know. It's so selfish, wanting to hurt the ones that hurt you. Sometimes I think I cling to the pain because it's my last link to him. Sometimes I don't think about it at all.

I am stuck.

I miss him. What would I do if I heard from him? I don't know. I wonder if I can turn off who I used to be. I wonder if I can come back to the present and put to use everything these months have taught me.

I wonder what love will feel like, if I get to feel it again.

Waves of grief. The tide is in and I am buried to my chest in the sand. I am looking forward to the water going out again. I can't wait to breathe.