look behind you. no, the other you.

Had my quiet storm. Made it through. Can I sleep now? Can I not dream?
I wonder what Steel thinks a relationship is. To me it is sharing one's self physically and emotionally. He seems to just want to hang out and have sex. We have a nice time, and it isn't really all just physical. We talk. We smile. You know, those things. But I am attracted to intellect as much as I am to physicality. I can't enjoy one without the other. He seems to think it's difficult to talk to someone in between the times he sees them. This I do not understand. Doesn't he want to know how I'm doing? What is a relationship to him? Hell, what's the point if it's only ever in person and you only see that person twice a week?

I mean, I've had flings I've seen more often than that. And they talked to me more in between.

Buttercup thinks it's good for me to date someone. I trust his opinion; he's one of the few that I trust. Steel is sweet, but what does he want? When my brother heard I was dating a musician, he said, "uh oh." What does that mean? Crazy and inconsistent? Flighty and self-absorbed? Busy and cocky? I don't know.

He's trying, as of today. I heard from him this morning AND this afternoon. More than he's ever initiated before. I felt very good because of it. Does this mean I'm dependent on someone? I don't think I am. Do I really need constant reassurance? Maybe. I think I just like being reminded that someone cares about me. I felt better yesterday when Bones said she loves me. Bones always loves me. That's why she's my best friend. I'm not dependent on her. I know I don't depend on Steel. How can I?

I am a little upset, I suppose. I am upset because I've been dreaming about ex-otter and I don't feel comfortable talking to Steel about it. I don't want to start another relationship that immediately involves me dealing with my most recent ex. I said, "clean slate" to buttercup. His reply? "What does that mean?"