the brain slowly purges

I can't not hate you.
I don't not love you.

Why can't you leave me in peace?

I'd think the three months of silence would have helped. I'd think telling all our mutual acquaintances to not speak your name in my presence would ease the pain. I'm sure it has. But the fact remains that it's been seven months and I still wish I had a hatchet to forcibly remove from your chest what you took from me.

Things have changed in a drastic way. I know it has for me, but for you it's been considerable. I don't know this because anyone has told me. I don't know this because I have seen you. I don't know this in any way a person other than me could understand. I know it because I know it. I know because a strand still connects the two of us. Thankfully it's getting weaker all the time. There will always be a part of me that misses that connection in a way I can't articulate. I will long for it differently than the way I have longed for others. Right people, wrong time. What if I'd been the one to come by after the death of your brother? I mean, what if?

I can't not hate you. I can't not wonder. I can't not wish bad things upon both your heads. When I can think without grief for my own loss; when your loss far overshadows mine; then I will be able to mark how far I have come. Then I can make eye contact again and not cry over it when I'm alone in bed.

I wonder if I'll ever hear from you unbidden?

I don't think I care too much about whether or not you think of me. Not anymore. You are so far gone I can feel the air between us. You're so far gone I can barely even see that you're there for the air to flow between us. I never thought you could remove yourself so completely from my life. You were the one who said you wanted to keep me in your life. I am bitter. I am bitter, but it gets better.

A part of me holds on. I can be fiercely devoted. You know I was to you. So protective. I can be terrifying. All the worse when I am scorned. I have trouble releasing my hard won loyalty.

That's the entire point, isn't it?

I hope I feel that way again someday, to someone who deserves it. To someone that can handle all the shit life throws.