I am frightened by the force of my lack of concern. I'm scared to feel depression. I have dreams that piss me off with their remembrance. I wake up exhausted.
I think back to over ten years ago when I spent every spare moment online, talking to my destruction. I can't do that now. It doesn't feel right; not even a little bit. And if I'm going to date someone long-distance then I need to remember to keep the distance. Devoting my life to the computer is only hurting me.
He doesn't ask it of me. I just do it. Because when someone likes me and I like them, I just want to throw myself against them until they are my entire life. This is not who I feel like I am. Where did it come from?
Are these old habits?
I don't want them. Thanks.
I am
so tired.
I don't know how to fix this. Fix me, I mean. Not "us." I mean I don't know how to sleep right, or eat right, or live the way I want to live. I'm trying. I try. I don't know how to love without hurting. I don't know how to do anything without feeling melancholy. I am not this person even though it's how I've been since puberty.
This is not who I feel like I am.
Sleep tonight. Please, I need to sleep. I need to feel like my life is my own and not something I just wander in and out of. I hate this murky feeling. I hate my brain not knowing what it is that I've just done.
This is me, me, me. It has nothing to do with you, you, you.
Since I got back from Florida I just haven't felt much like being around people. I've lost almost all interest in it. I'm not sure if I should force myself to be around them or if I should just accept that I don't want to be around them. I don't know. It was fine when I was making things but now that I'm just sitting around online, it's not good anymore.
That means I know what I need to do, right?
Less internet. More making. What about Shiny?
I want this.
I mean, phones are awesome for multi-tasking.
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