forgo the notable exceptions

sallow, sunken, skinny, sick. tired. losing the ability to cheer up myself. hopeless. not about ever getting well; it doesn't stretch that far. just hopeless. lackluster. dull. deadened. non-existent. invisible. a nuisance. a bother.
depressing. depressed. disgusted. disillusioned. denied. delineated. dour. destroyed. defeated.
caught in a fog. lost in a daze. alone in a crowd.
inconsolable.
inconvenient.
inconvenienced.

depths

don't look at me don't look at me why aren't you paying attention?
where does this pain come from? my gut, my chest, the muscles and organs. joints. bones. not terrible, just uncomfortable. discomforted.
who are you?
an all-over kind of queasy. a full body nausea. take acidophilus. eat yogurt. take this medication with a small snack if nausea occurs. take with a full glass of water.
pee in this cup. you know where the bathroom is.
yeah. 5 urine samples in 2 months. I know where lots of bathrooms are now.
is it tender there? how about there? it hurts THERE?
everything tastes like bacteria. everything I swallow is harmful. I have things wriggling in my guts that want to kill me. my insides aren't my own anymore; they belong to something else.
they never belonged to me. I've just been borrowing them.
I am so very tired.
my period was supposed to start last week but this is nothing to worry about as long as there's no risk of pregnancy. I'm scared for it to start. worried about the pain. I know I'm not pregnant. I just don't feel like bleeding right now.
or ever, honestly.
take it. take it take it take it. again this comes down to:
wishing there was someone to hold me tonight.
wishing I had someone I believed to say "everything will be ok. this too shall pass."
and stroke my hair
and rub my back
and wipe away my tears.

there's just me
no places in between.