pep talk

I guess I just want to write this while it's still fresh in my head.
I saw Pants tonight at a dance party. His head was buzzed and he had ironic facial hair. We talked some and our first conversation was civil and he was polite. The second one was quite different.
His guard goes up so quickly. I'm glad my last memory of our interaction can be him saying "I'm not enjoying this conversation. I'm going to walk away. I suggest you find something enjoyable to do" or something along those lines. I told his retreating back, "You're an asshole."
We had some kind of staring contest before then. I wouldn't look away. He did. I don't think he's used to that.
So there's this feeling of winning and losing at the same time. When I was leaving I saw him putting on his coat. He has a belt now like the one I have; all covered in bags. A mock utility belt. At least I left behind some kind of legacy.
But I must remind myself that it doesn't matter. This bitterness does nothing for me. It's a habit that I'd love to break. I would have liked for our conversations to be nice and pleasant but I just couldn't do it. I had to know.
"Why did you apologize to me?" "It seemed like the right thing to do." "It made things worse." "I had a feeling that might happen."
I knew that the words I've been writing have been fantasy.
"I don't think fucking you would help." "You know that's not what I want." Or did I say "you know I want more than that?"
I just .. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to let it go now. I had my confrontation. I saw the coldness. I watched his posture close. I felt the wall go up. The man I loved is buried beneath so many defensive layers there's no way I'll ever reach it again.
And that's ok.
It's ok.
I don't need to relive this or remember this.
I had a very good night and a very good day.
Let's just hold onto that.