looking for the path of least oppression

I had black tea. I can feel it in my heart. My chest is tight and my breathing restricted. Why did I drink black tea? My head was fuzzy. I overstepped my boundary of moderation last night. I crossed that line. I don't feel bad about it. I'm just not totally enjoying my inability to feel like part of my surroundings.
I pulled out my paper journal today and wrote. I want to share it.

Why do I want to pull people places? I don't want anyone anymore. Not just for the sake of wanting. I'm getting better at not looking at everyone as potential partners. Not great at it, but there's some progress.
Pants knows he could have me at any time. So he doesn't want me.
I am available.
Fuck all of this. Let me open up my chest and bleed the pus from my wounded heart. Let me clear the infection and bandage the hole.
I understand all of their actions.
I understand better than they do.
There are no magic words. There is no switch to flip to turn things around again. Can't undo. Can't unsay. There is only forward. There is only consequence.
Do I care that I haven't heard back yet from Nine? A little. But I don't know why. I just like closure.
I like to know where my feet are. You know, where I stand.

I like not feeling touched. I like being outside of things. I don't know what changed me when I was gone but I haven't felt the same since I've been back.
I feel out of habit but I think that's ok. I am seeing it now. I can tamp it down and make me real. Tired of acting some way to get attention. I don't want it. I just want to be real.
Let me get excited. Let me fall asleep. Let me love. Let me be loved. Hold me. Just touch me. Let me do what I feel instead of being so causticly moved by others. Can I enter this network? Can I navigate its causeways? Can I stay on task? Can I be on top?