you don't know where the rest of us live; you don't even look

As always, as always, thoughts follow me while I ride my bike. I've been tired lately. Tired and achey but fine. I found something and maybe I don't feel as much of a need to analyze my feelings anymore. Maybe I have different needs now.
I had a song stuck in my head as I pedaled to work. "One month to the day that you said you'd never change." I don't know why my brain loops on these things. I don't know why I force myself into melancholy. I don't feel it at my core. I think it's just habit. Bad habits.
Shiny and I ran into Pants at Whole Foods. Pants and I chatted for a few seconds, then he said "have a nice weekend" and rode away. It was weird. And good. He's so civil. I told my roommate and Shiny "he is polite because he feels it's the way he should be, not because it's how he wants to be. Or he's that way because people don't expect it."
I get confused sometimes about how I feel about Pants. I think mostly I'm annoyed and sad. A lot of things happened that didn't need to. But isn't that living?
He doesn't think people change. Me, I depend on it.
Do we all lie to ourselves a little bit to make the transition easier? To make any transition easier? Do we say "this is how I wanted it?" Do we say "I didn't want that anyway?"
I don't have doubts.
I get insecure and I'm still not sure why. I don't act the way I used to. I'm more comfortable in that way. I'm ok with me but sometimes I still worry about other people being ok with me. Why does it matter? When I can remember to think that, I feel fine.
Well, better at least.
Everything is an excuse for self-analysis. Maybe it's not a focus on my feelings but there is still a lot of thought. Always thinking, always churning, always always always.
Because I realize and accept that I may never again encounter the passion I once had years ago. I may never again feel an insane longing for someone that used to utterly consume me. These things have made me capable of great strength and great weakness. It seems that one typically follows the other.
I'm ok with finding my middle ground. I want to be with someone that suits me logically. I'm so tired of choosing people based on only half of my consciousness. Guess what; Shiny suits me.

Let's run away together.
We can find somewhere warmer; somewhere kinder. I'll draw pictures and you can watch me. You'll make sense and I can try to understand.
There's a problem I have where I meet someone new and I imagine an entire life for the two of us. I can see it stretching out and I witness our battles and victories. I immediately size up lasting potential. But let's remember that people change; people always change. That's a constant, isn't it? We can count on not being able to count on it. We can depend on uncertainty.
I am trying to learn how to go over the waves instead of steadfastly holding my ground and going through them.
People say, "it isn't that black and white" and I appreciate the reminder.
People say, "calm down" and I appreciate the insight.
People say, "this too shall pass" and sometimes I resent that. But only because there are some things that I don't want to go away.

When did I become so proficient at sad?

I would give up my words if it meant I could settle for happy. I'm so tired today, though. I don't get enough sleep and I don't see enough people and I don't eat enough food and I want what I want immediately. I want to enter a life pre-made for me. I want to just fill the space. I feel scared of everything right now and I'm exhausted by it.
This too shall pass.
I can't depend on anyone for anything, least of all me.
We are so predictable.
We are so unknowable.
My heart just tugs at all the wrong things. My brain warns it otherwise. Shiny, I'm listening for you. You know you're what completes this circuit. You know it will end in you? (and I mean this in a positive way; not in the way the things around this paragraph sound)
I mean, that's what my scenario tells me. I don't want to look for something that I've already found.

I'm so tired, so fucking tired, and I've been writing this story for too long. I've been writing this post for two days. I just can't seem to end it.
Would that be like letting go?

Some things I take too slow. Some things I rush too fast. What is the proper pacing here?
How do I just drift with it?