frightened of my shadow

Try to recapture the days that meant more than this. Try to feel the way I did when I was getting over things. Try to recreate the moments that led to feeling more content. Where was I standing? What did I say? Where was I writing? What did it mean?
In the end, all the introspection leads me into a spiral. It's raining outside. Is that the reason for the melancholy? I haven't been sleeping well (still). Is that the reason for the melancholy? I've been on this new medication for long enough that it isn't new anymore. Am I building up a tolerance? Is that the reason for the melancholy? Shiny is back in Allston. Is that the reason for the melancholy?
Working on finding the equilibrium between then and now. My life is not static and for that I am grateful. Watch reality through a mirror. Every movement seems natural despite being backwards. Everything looks different; twice as far away.
I want to dance again.
I dreamed about dancing.
The wind blows rain against the side of my apartment. It booms and scatters and I am not looking forward to braving the outside. I feel lonely these days in between. I feel lonely but not alone.
I had a dream that the Beard hung out with me and we smiled and were natural and he hugged me a lot and I kept trying to figure out when to tell him that I was seeing someone now. I think he'd be relieved. I think he's thought that I've wanted things from him that I don't. I really just miss his companionship and I don't understand why he's gone away.
I mean, I do but I don't want to.
There are observations that rattle in between my thoughts. I don't quite believe my good fortune and I feel myself grow cold in the times between our contact. But when I hear from him the fires are stoked again. I mope until he reaches me and this is not who I want to be. This is not who I am.
"I feel young. It sounds so cheesy, but it's true." "The beginning of a relationship is like that. It's exciting." I get so wrapped up in people. Most of the serious relationships I've had have been that way from day one. It's been every day together. Buttercup would have been the same too except he lived hours away. I bet Shiny would be the same way.
I have no point of reference here. I am someone else, aren't I?
My life divides into breaks in time. The last part left off when ex-otter did. So I am someone else now. I am someone else now. That means relax. Just relax.
I want to have faith.
Faith in myself. Faith in the people around me. Faith that even if things hurt, it's ok, because it will get better.
Faith in balance. Bad begets good begets bad begets good and so on and so forth forever and ever.
Amen.