it doesn't matter.

I made a flowchart to show the ridiculousness of last night.
sometimes I wish that I used real names here because it would make things easier to remember.
dressed up aggressively. big tits, short skirt, thigh high fishnets and garter belt. wear that wig. don't outrightly flirt. just lean in and smile and don't give a fuck what people think. last night:
there were a lot of cute fun people in one room, in militaryesque costume.
I met a guy I thought I could like.
I saw a guy that I'd been thinking was attractive for a while.
I saw a guy that is in love with me but with whom I am not in love.
They are all friends. Like-guy can't like me because someone told him not to because attractive-guy likes me. But I don't want to get involved with attractive-guy because in-love-guy is best friends with attractive-guy's roommate. This is Providence.

I didn't mind. It was nice to feel pretty for a night, even if it felt like it was just because of the stupid-sexy outfit. He called me pretty.
He said that I was softer than he thought I'd be.
I don't even really like him that much. I'm not convinced he actually likes me.

I miss Pants.

I talked to Joy about him yesterday. We both had similar untouchable men in our lives. Opposite ends of the spectrum. It felt nice to have someone who understood. I don't miss him all the time, or as much as I used to. But I told Dot that despite all the shit I put myself through for him, if he called me up tomorrow I would run to his side.
It feels so dumb. I am powerless when it comes to him. I find it comforting in some ways. But it's also infuriating. I haven't been suicidal lately and I can't help but think that has something to do with not having him around.

This is so strange. How can I want something that's clearly so bad for me?
It goes against every ounce of reason.
There is no such thing as "next time" anymore.