this isn't love, it isn't not love, it isn't what you think it isn't

Control. It all comes down to control.
Guilt and regret is wanting to control the past. Worry is wanting to control the future. My desire is control. My insanity is control.
I don't regret, oh no, and I don't even feel guilty. Not about Pants. I say, "I was only ever myself." I say, "there is nothing to regret." Do I believe it? Sometimes. Usually.
There is nothing I can do to change things.
That would be control.
can't make someone talk to me. can't make someone care. can't make someone see their potential. can't make someone live up to it. can't make someone want me. can't make someone love me.
can't can't can't.
I am not responsible for the emotions or actions of others.
Repeat until it doesn't hurt.
I tell myself, "yes, it sucks right now but remember how horrible things were when ex-otter left you? You don't hurt over him anymore. This will come soon with Pants."
I want to feel something for someone that reciprocates.
I want to reciprocate what someone feels for me.

Can't I talk about something else for a while?